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Just to throw a little more fuel on the fire, I remembered the following little tidbit I had squirreled away. After this, I suspect I may have lost the few friends I ever had in The Sunshine State. What do you think, Scotty, enough beating on those poor Californians for a while?

Los Angeles Driver’s License Application

Name:_______________________ Stage Name:_____________________

Agent:_______________________ Attorney:_______________________

Sex: Male __ Female__ Formerly Male__ Formerly Female__ Both__

If female, indicate breast implant size:___

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to operate your motor vehicle in any way? YES:___ NO:___

Please list brand and model of your cell phone:______________________
If you don’t have a cell phone, please explain:______________________

Please check hair colour: Females: Blonde;( ) Platinum Blonde;( ) Teenagers: Purple ( ) Blue ( ) Skinhead ( )

Please indicate activities you perform while driving: check more than one if necessary.
( ) Eating
( ) Applying makeup
( ) Talking on the phone
( ) Slapping kids in the back seat
( ) Having sex
( ) Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
( ) Tanning
(X) Snorting cocaine (Already checked for your convenience)
( ) Watching TV
( ) Reading Variety magazine
( ) Surfing the net on your laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers:____
b) You expect to be shot at while driving:____

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week:____

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Queludes
If none of the above, please explain; ___________________________

What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more


TEST: Please indicate the correct answer

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately;
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the TV in the high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney: discuss the possibility of launching a lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not getting through.
d) Call your therapist

In the event of an earthquake, you should;
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all your loved ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and get some footage to sell to Channel 4 News.

In the event of rain, you should;
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You’re not sure what “rain” is.

When stopped by police, you should;
a) Pull over and have your driver’s licence and insurance documents ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the Pacific Coast Highway
c) Have your video camera ready and try to provoke them to attack, ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.