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Here's one for you.


A SHOWER

How to take a shower like a woman:

1. Remove the six layers of clothing you put on this morning, because there was a distinct chill in the air, due to the temperature falling below 80 degrees. Place the soiled clothing in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing floor-length dressing gown and towel wrapped around head. If you encounter your boyfriend / husband along the way, immediately cover up any exposed flesh, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and hurry to the bathroom.
3. Gaze at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut, so you can complain and whine even more about how fat you’re getting.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, if you can find it through all the steam.
6. Locate face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with Body Shop Fully Organic Never Tested On Animals conditioner with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red and raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize your boyfriend / husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must be sure it has all come off).
15. Consider shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can’t be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick back hair and pretend you’re Bo Derek in 10.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend / husband flushes the toilet and you’re hit by a rush of scalding water.
18. Rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
21. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails / tweezers if found.
22. Return to bedroom wearing floor-length dressing gown and towel on head. If you encounter your boyfriend / husband along the way, immediately cover any exposed flesh, ignore his juvenile turban gags, and rush to bedroom.



How to shower like a man:

1. Remove all clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and leave them there in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you encounter your girlfriend / wife along the way, flash her.
3. Gaze at your manly physique in the mirror, and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. You do not. Admire the size of your penis. Scratch your butt.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again...still none.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one).
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your crotch.
11. Wash your butt.
12. Crack up laughing at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
13. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
14. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
15. Open the shower door and look at yourself in the mirror.
16. Pee.
17. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Overlook the water on the floor caused by your having left the shower curtain out of the tub the whole time.
18. Partially dry yourself off.
19. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire penis again.
20. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
21. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you encounter your girlfriend / wife, flash her.