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And yet another entry...


Chivalry is not dead, it’s just gone into hiding. With the emergence of strong, assertive women who construe certain gestures of common courtesy as a sign of weakness, condescension, and a capitol offence, gentlemen have to be careful of who they hold the door open for. Each man must devise his own guidelines for how and when to act. To aid these poor, confused creatures, we therefore proudly present...

THE SEXIST PIG’S GUIDE TO CHIVALRY IN THE ‘90s

1. RISING TO THE OCCASION

Moral Dilemma: You’re rushing through a department store and reach the escalator at the same moment as an attractive young lady. Do you stop and let her get on in front of you?

Sexist Solution: Ask yourself, “Do I want this person’s butt at my face-level for the next 45 seconds?” Act accordingly.


2. CHIVALRY IN THE SUBWAY

Moral Dilemma: You’re sitting on the subway reading your newspaper. You look up to see a very attractive but tired looking young chick standing over you. Should you offer her your seat?

Sexist Solution: Do so instantly if she is either pregnant or wearing a low-cut blouse that will allow you to enjoy her cleavage and see all the way down to her navel when you’re standing over her drooling.


3. SHARING THE LOAD

Moral Dilemma: A female friend is over-laden with packages. Should you be so presumptuous as to offer to ease her burden?

Sexist Solution: If she is carrying the bags upon her chest, relieve her at once, as this will offer you an excellent opportunity to cop a feel.

4. SEXUAL PURSE-SUIT

Moral Dilemma: A hot babe you’d like to meet drops her purse and its content spill in front of you. Should you help her reclaim the displaced personal articles, or should you casually take up a position behind her to more effectively gawk at her butt?

Sexist Solution: Immediately bend down and assist. Not only will this provide the perfect opportunity to introduce yourself, but you’ll get a great view of her cleavage, and, you’ll know what kind of protection she carries in her purse (ie: pills, condoms, Mace).


5. SPLITTING THE BILL

Moral Dilemma: You’re out to a special dinner with a sex goddess. When the cheque comes, she insists on paying half. If you’re already sure sex is a certainty, should you insist she take her money back?

Sexist Solution: No. To refuse her now could upset her, meaning that she might later refuse you something. Instead, use the money you save to buy her a gift. For example, take her to dinner again next week, that way you get to nail her twice for the same investment.