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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to “the other side”. That’s what “they” call it; “the other side”. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay to. I say we boycott all chickens till we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side”. That chicken should not be free to cross that road at will to infect our impressionable young people. It’s as plain and simple as that.

SPECIAL PROSECUTOR KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule if law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity, provided it cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any additional Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. We are also pursuing a parallel probe to determine if anyone on the president’s advisory staff deliberately leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual, in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird might have to offer.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die, alone and abandoned, in the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we never asked why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
It was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the revolutionary bird.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your intention to shift attention to that issue, rather than dealing with your own underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken.

FRIEDRICH NIETZCHE:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you see , represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was great rejoicing.

LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT:
Give us ten minutes with the damned chicken and we’ll tell you!

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because it’s the only kind of trip the ESTABLISHMENT would let it take.

CHARLES DARWIN:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

JACK NICHOLSON:
Because it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored) reason.

THE SPHINX:
You tell me.

MARK TWAIN:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

JOSEPH STALIN:
I don’t care. Catch it. Crack its eggs and make me an omelette.

CARL SAGAN:
For billions and billions of reasons.

BUDDHA:
If you ask this question you are denying your own chicken nature.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road crossed the chicken, depends on your frame of reference

PLATO:
For the greater good..

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

ROSEANNE BARR:
U-r-r-r-r-p. What chicken?

GEORGE BUSH:
To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

HOWARD COSELL:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such a herculean achievement formerly relegated exclusively to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

SALVADOR DALI:
The fish.

DARTH VADER:
Because it could not resist the power of the dark on the other side.

BOB DYLAN:
How many roads must one chicken cross?

BASIL FAWLTY:
Oh, don’t mind that chicken. It’s from Barcelona.

ROBERT FROST:
To cross the road less traveled.

GILLIGAN:
The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail, the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost.

LEE IACOCCA:
It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

JOHN PAUL JONES:
It has not yet begun to cross!

H.P. LOVECRAFT:
To a futile attempt to escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its mortal soul.

GROUCHO MARX:
Chicken? What’s all this talk about chicken? I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

SIR ISAAC NEWTON:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

GEORGE ORWELL:
Because the government had deluded it into thinking it was crossing the road of its own free will, when it was really only serving their interests.

THE POPE:
That is only for God to know.

RONALD REAGAN:
I forget.

MR. SCOTT:
‘Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.

JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anybody cross a road? I mean, why didn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place anyway?”

O.J. SIMPSON:
It didn’t. It was playing golf with it at the time.