Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.
So, last year I bought my very first artificial tree because I'm tired of lugging around a big, heavy, sappy, fresh tree and trying to level it out in the humongoid stand then having to sweep up needles all year long then lugging it back out to the trash, all sappy, dragging needles all over the place (oh, I digressed) ... So I went out to Target and got one of those pre-lamped, "easy," snap together 3-piecers that's really quite cute.
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.
Welllll... looks as if I didn't keep the instructions - who needs'em when it soooooooo easy to do
Okay, so I test each section before snapping it together... cool, it lights up. Then I snap it together... It's a snap. Then I plug each strand of lights into it's proper receiving end: malefemalemalefemale, etc. Then plug it into the wall... waiiiiiit a minute - there's no male end to plug into an outlet
unplug, replug leaving a male end - nuthin', nada, zip
Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a$$ down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse.
So, back out to the shed I go to get the big box of lights... the kind that
work . I'm dusty, I'm all pricked up by artificial pine needles, the cat is walking in and out of the lights criscrossing the floor and I lost half a day to the stoooopid frikkin tree. My kiddo walks in the door, walks to the tree... plugplugplug... It lights up
Hallelujah. Holy sh*t. Where's the Tylenol?
It's time for a Bloody Mary.