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The Nine Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, okay?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved, irons his own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - “People are stupid. The world can go to Hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour Puss, Stick-In-The-Mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put, predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - “I, I, I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Cream Puff, Hey You
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without the challenge of a struggle

Bigfoot - “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk, Big-n-Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales, is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - “Z-z-z-z-z-z”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Lump
Advantages: Well rested, easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak - “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Goddamn Son-of-a-Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having the time of his life

Ace of Hearts - “After I wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels, okay?
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Love Rocket
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - “Someday, I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but...”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Windbag, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Turns into “Old Man Grumpus”

Mr. Right - “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels on my new yacht, okay?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction



The Nine Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, Darling, you shouldn’t have.”
Also known as: What a Gal, Precious, One of the Boys, Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - “You Goddamn, spineless, good-for-nothing, drag-ass, no talent son-of-a-bitch! Can’t you see how miserable you’re making me?”
Also known as: She-devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, The Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws small kitchen appliances

Sicky - “Oh, my head. My stomach. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumbly
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Boss - “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make more money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mother
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms, Vaguely Dissatisfied - “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, life goals and hair colour?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw, c’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman Out-of-Control - “I gotta idea. Les get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I dunnit before. S’fun!
Also know as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, The Big Easy
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable, drives off cliffs

Huffy - “I see nothing amusing in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No Fun, Dead-ass, Cold Fish, Chilly Proposition
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You won’t have any friends

Woman From Mars - “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky, Screwball, Looney, Bad News, The Artist
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we should make love like crazed weasels now.”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you