[Bumper]

Didn't want any of you to get the impression that because The Ol' Forum Fool might be just a little irreverant, he has no experience with matters of a religious nature. Why, during our last visit to our local house of worship (Sunday morning services at Saint Mattress) I made special note of the pastor's sermon and am pleased to pass it along for your consideration on this sabbath day. And as a special bonus, there will be no passing of the plate.


On the first day, God created the cow.

God said: “You must go to the field all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”

And God Agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s too long for a life of nothing but barking. Give me ten years, and I’ll give you back the other ten.”

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day, God created the monkey.

God said: “Entertain people. Do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

The monkey said: “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. The dog gave you back ten years, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man.

God said: “Eat, sleep, have sex, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.

Man said: “What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

So that’s why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy ourselves and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grand-children and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.