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I guess we must have a lot of parents out there (Duh! Ya' think?) because these types of posts generally generate some feedback. Since a couple of people we all know are shortly to be assuming this new role, I thought they, and the rest of you, might find it of interest. Since Mrs. B and I have no first-hand experience in the area, we'll bow to everyone's collective wisdom.

Guide to Parenting

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are twelve simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.


1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick an enormous bean bag down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their children’s sleep habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5:00 PM to 10:00 PM carrying a wet bag weighing from 8-12 pounds. At 10:00 PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12:00 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1:00 AM. Re-set the alarm for 3:00 AM. As you won’t likely be able to get back to sleep, get up at 2:00 AM and make yourself a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3:00 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4:00 AM. Put the alarm on for 5:00 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter into the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the mud stains with crayon. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string shopping bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet tissue. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, and an empty Rice Krispies box, and make an exact scale replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a position on the Science Fair Judging Committee.

7. Forget the Camaro and buy a Dodge Caravan. And don’t think you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a Popsicle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the CD player. Take a family sized package of Oreo cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front sidewalk. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the street for five minutes. Stop to inspect every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out to stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child with you - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling so that it swings erratically from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Corn Flakes and attempt to spoon it into the gyrating melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Corn Flakes are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls onto the floor. You are now ready to feed a twelve month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Pokemon, Teletubbies and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “I love you, you love me” from Barney, at work, you finally qualify to be a parent.