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Do-It-Yourself Country Song Kit

I met her___(1)____ ___(2)____. I can still recall___(3)____ she wore.
1. on the highway, in Sheboygan, outside Fresno, at a truck stop, on probation,in a jail cell, in a nightmare, incognito, in the Stone Age, in a tree house, in a gay bar

2. in September, at McDonalds, ridin’ shotgun, wrestlin’ gators, all hunched over, poppin’ uppers, sort of pregnant, with joggers, stoned on oatmeal, with Jay Leno, dead all over

3. that purple dress, that little hat, that burlap bra, those training pants, the stolen goods, that plastic nose, the Kerry / Edwards button, the neon sign, that creepy smile, the hearing aid, the boxer shorts


She was ___(4)____ ___(5)___

4. sobbin’ at the toll booth, drinkin’ Doctor Pepper, weighted down with Twinkies, breakin’ out with acne, crawlin’ through the prairie, smellin’ kinda funny, crashin’ through the guard rail, chewin’ on a hang nail, talkin’ in Swahili, drownin’ in the quicksand, slurpin’ up linguini

5. in the twilight, but I loved her, by the off ramp, near Poughkeepsie, with her cobra, when she shot me, on her elbows, with Led Zeppelin, with Miss Piggy, with a wet back, in her muu-muu


and I knew ___(6)___. ___(7)___ I’d ___(8)_____ forever.

6. no guy would ever love her more, that she would be an easy score, she’d bought her dentures in a store, that she would be a crashing bore, I’d never rate her more than “4", they’d hate her guts in Baltimore, it was a raven - nothing more, we really lost the last World War, I’d have to scrape her off the floor, what strong deodorants were for, that she was rotten to the core, that I would upchuck on the floor

7. I promised her, I knew deep down, She asked me if, I told her shrink, The judge declared, My Pooh Bear said, I shrieked in pain, The painters knew, The Klingon said, My hamster thought, The blood test showed, Her rabbi said

8. stay with her, warp her mind, swear off booze, change my sex, punch her out, live off her, have my rash, stay a dwarf, hate her dog, pick my nose, play “Go Fish”, salivate


She said to me __(9)__. But who’d have thought she’d _(10)_ _(11)_.

9. our love would never die, there was no other guy, man wasn’t meant to fly, that Nixon didn’t lie, her basset hound was shy, that Rolaids made her high, she’d have a Swiss on rye, she loved my one blue eye, her brother’s name was Hy, she liked “Spy vs Spy”, that birthdays made her cry, she couldn’t stand my tie

10. run off, wind up, boogie, yodel, sky dive, turn green, freak out, blast off, make it, black out, bobsled, grovel

11. with my best friend, in my Edsel, on a surfboard, on “The Great Race”, with her dentist, on her workmate, with a robot, with no clothes on, at her health club, in her Maytag, with her guru, while in labour


___(12)___ goodbye.

12. You’d think at least she’d have said, She told her dumb friend Grace to say, I can now kiss my credit cards, I guess I was too smashed to say, I watched her melt away and sobbed, She fell beneath the wheels and cried, She sent a hired thug to say, She freaked out on the lawn and screamed, I pushed her off the bridge and waved, But that’s the way the pygmies say, She sealed me in the vault and smirked