I really don't mean to overload you with stuff, but I was going through the B-Files (Sort of like the X-Files, but maintained by Bumper) and came across this little tidbit from about four years ago - the time frame being obvious from the subject matter. It seemed like it might be considered timely, considering the current political climate. And a resounding NO...this is not meant to stir up any political controversy or serious discussion. Like practically everything I post, it is meant for your entertainment only. That's what Jesters are for, isn't it...amusement and mirth, with perhaps the
tiniest hint of purpose and insight?
Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your demonstrated inability to elect a president of the United States of America, and thus to govern yourselves, notice is hereby given of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchial responsibilities for all states, commonwealths, and other territories forthwith, with the exception of Utah, for which she assumes no obligation, for obvious reasons.
Your new Prime Minister, The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The Congress and Senate will immediately be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine if any of you have noticed.
To aid in the transition to your new status as a British Crown Dependency, the following rules will take immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English dictionary. While you have the book out, look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at how incorrectly you’ve been pronouncing it. Every effort must be made by the American population to raise the general level of their vocabulary. (Look up “vocabulary”) Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler sounds such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. (Look up “interspersed”)
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will advise Microsoft on your behalf.
3. All citizens are expected to learn the difference between English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You will be required to re-learn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out the stringent requirements of rule 1. We would not unreasonably expect you to make the attempt prematurely, become discouraged at your inability, and give up half way through.
6. You will be expected to stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that nobody else plays American “football”. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football, where you will be able to participate against other countries. It is a difficult game, requiring exceptionally high levels of skill, discipline, and fitness. Initially, it would be best if you played against the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time be allowed to play rugby (which is somewhat similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, or wearing full Kevlar body armor like pansies) We would hope to be able to develop a full US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, with the unlimited use of your nuclear arsenal, if they should give you any merde. The Russians have never been the bad guys. The 98.85% of you who were not aware there is a world outside your borders should consider yourselves lucky that you have not had to deal with these international issues up to this point. We regret the necessary loss of your innocence and naivete as you join the world community. (If the Library of Congress does not have a French-English dictionary, “Merde” is French for “Shit”)
8. The Fourth of July will no longer be a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecision Day”.
9. All American motor vehicles are hereby banned. They are crap, and it’s for your own good. Consideration is being given to the possibility of making an exception in the case off the Dodge Viper. When we show you German and British sports cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation. Resistance is futile!