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Old 03-22-2014   #61 (permalink)
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Great report ....

sure hope it isn't finished. Just lovin' it
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Old 03-22-2014   #62 (permalink)
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Mas Por Favor..Mas
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Old 03-23-2014   #63 (permalink)
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Looked up to see what a

paloma was and my husband decided to make one without reading the recipe ( he used some citrus fruit pop) . He said it was great as he tripped up the last step coming upstairs. I can hardly wait to get some Fresca and try it.
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Old 03-24-2014   #64 (permalink)
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Once again another fabulous trip report. I love your reports, writing style, sense of humor, adventures in Playa. Thanks so much for sharing.
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Old 03-25-2014   #65 (permalink)
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Loving the TR! Keep up the great work!
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Old 03-25-2014   #66 (permalink)
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FEBRUARY 08, 2014

“Cause you and tequila make me crazy, run like poison in my blood………one is one too many, one more is never enough”-Kenny Chesney –You and Tequila from Hemingway’s Whiskey

The morning has arrived, time to rise and see what the day has in store. The air feels a little cool as I look at my phone and see the temperature is 69 degrees. Since it is early and everyone still seems to be resting, I decide to go for a walk South down the beach, into Playacar.

The sun is shining and as soon as I start walking, it makes it feel much warmer than the temperature shows. I am curious as to how the women will be feeling this morning. I am sure the brisk night swim in the pool took care of much of the alcohol and its effects.

My excitement and anticipation grows as I think about the planned island hopping excursion for the day. We have been told by so many of the vendors and information salesman about the highly touted tequila tours awaiting us on the island of Cozumel. We have come to Mexico many times and have learned to love and cherish the almighty agave nectar.

It has at times grown so intense that there have been rare moments where I have been known to suddenly awaken in a dizzying trance. The experiences could be compared to a religious experience where visions of shaking, coughing, choking, and gagging overwhelmed me as sweat profusely ran out of every pore. I would quickly lose track of the time waking again filled with total exhaustipation, hands not letting go of the cold feeling porcelain idol firmly seated on the bathroom floor next to me.

Exhaustipation may not be a word easily found in any dictionary, but one that comes along with these highly emotional, religious experiences. Its meaning is deeply rooted but can easily be translated as “too tired to give a shit”.

Let’s not try to analyze its deep seated meanings. We would have no more luck than trying to solve world peace.… we can’t navigate a 4 way stop without wanting to hurt each other in painful ways. It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. But I digress….I must finish my walk bringing fresh air into the lungs, giving the thinning blood new life.

There are many wonderful looking houses and condos south along the beach. My guess is the price of these rentals is probably not cost-effective unless you plan on most of your meals and activities at the house. As for me, there are too many establishments that I like to drink and eat at to limit me to staying at a house all day and night. There are many bars that have not yet had the pleasure of my intelligent drinking wit and graceful, body movements when intoxicated.

I walk for a short time before turning back to go check out the ferry to Cozumel departure times. I thought they used to leave every half hour but soon discover it is every hour now. There is the slim possibility that my memory and concentration has failed me slightly….

I discover the price of the ferry has gone up and I probably remember this wrong but I thought a round trip ticket could be used on either ferry. This is not the case as the many unforgiving information greeters recommend not purchasing the round trip ticket, giving you the option to come back on either. The purchase of a round trip only gives you the option to return every 2 hours using only the company where the ticket was purchased.

I get back to the condo just in time as the tequila demons begin grumbling down under again, stirring all of my internal organs into high alert. We have always bought a quantity of Lomotil, a Mexican anti-diarrheal when arriving in Mexico. We usually take one daily as a preventative attempt to quell the possible discomfort, which seems to usually work. I suspect no more elaboration is needed on the subject.

View from the Cozumel ferry Dock looking South

Xaman Ha can be seen at the end of the big all-inclusive...don't know the name.

Since we arrive at the docks shortly after 9, we decide to purchase a 10 o’clock ticket, waiting to eat at Cozumel. This gives us plenty of time to relax near the gate watching people slowly form a line. Since we were near the front I assumed we would get a great seat outside on the upper deck.

We did, but it never ceases to amaze me how impolite and rude many travelers are as they push and shove, dragging wheeled luggage over bare toes and feet, fearing they won’t arrive on time. I don’t think the ticket sellers have any clue as to the number of tickets sold as this ferry was packed, every seat filled, many sitting on the floor.

We were pleasured with semi-live entertainment as the speakers blared unintelligible upbeat Mexican music with a live male and female singing into headsets near the front of the ferry, shaking maracas and tambourines to the piped in music.

Nearing the end of the ferry ride, I reluctantly put money in the tip jar as the smiling senorita passes by. No need to push my luck at this point. The many people depart with the politeness of cattle being electronically prodded into a chute.

We all agree that the first stop shall be for an early lunch and cervezas to calm the frazzled nerves. This is made across the street from the ferry dock at Las Palmeras where Sols are promptly ordered and lunch is consumed.

Las Palmeras

El Jeffe would like to make a stop at the Hard Rock bar for a souvenir before we attempt our car rental for the island tour. After wandering around, being offered shots of tequila at every turn we make it to Hard Rock and then make our way back to downtown looking for a rental place that Tina has looked up online.

We don’t find it right away and decide to talk to the corner rental salesman, who quickly convinces us to rent a “berry nice jeep” from HTL Rentals. We also are given a map of the island to which is attached a coupon for 4 free margaritas at the Mexico Lindo Free tequila tour. The rental agent tells us to make sure and use his coupon as he gets a free dinner or drinks for his family.

Jeff has already been designated as the driver so I can professionally navigate us around the south half of Cozumel. Our first stop will be a stop for liquid refreshments at Margaritaville and I know exactly where it is. As I relax, waiting for the precisely planned exit off the street into the parking lot of Margaritaville, I drift off thinking of the amazing tour we are about to embark on………..

I imagine sombrero’s on the local Mexicans as they perform the harvesting of the agave plant, skillfully cutting the leaves off the heart. I am not sure when harvest season is but have my doubts as to witnessing this today. But I am positive the demonstrations of using the tool to cut off the leaves will be as impressive as………..

“Oh SHIT JEFF, we just passed Margaritaville, MAKE A U-TURN right here”, I yell, not only scaring Jeff but the women in back too.

Jeff obediently cranks the steering wheel to the left as the jeep dangerously teeters from 4 wheels to 2 wheels, arms flying as everyone attempts to stay inside the safety of the roll bar. I can hear tires screeching as other vehicles narrowly avoid crashing into us, yelling with arms and fingers saluting Jeff’s prowess at driving. We bounce over something in the street, coming to an abrupt stop on the opposite side. I look back to make sure we didn’t just run over an unsuspecting animal, and with relief discover it was only a portion of the median curb. I look at El Jeffe with bug eyes that have returned as we both smile, Jeff throwing up his arms yelling, “Ta Daaa”.

“I thought you knew where you were going Captain SolMan”, PalomaLover sarcastically says to me.

Sheepishly grinning I say, “I do, see it is right over there!”

PalomaLover rolls her eyes and shakes her head as I extend my hand to assist the ladies telling them, “You might want to release those seat cushions from your ass before we go in the bar!”

That drew a robust punch to my shoulder from both as they stepped out of the jeep. Jeff leans over and whispers, “Next time we try that a little slower, okay?”

“Okay”, I say.

Heading to Margaritaville

Smiling beauties before they turned on me!!

Just as I envisioned and sound in Margaritaville

They aren't so big and tough now!

Before the seat cushion was re-attached.

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
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Old 03-25-2014   #67 (permalink)
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Not much time was wasted away in Margaritaville, just enough to consume an ice cold Pacifico and take the obligatory tourist photos, making a couple of purchases before leaving.

We get back in the jeep where everyone searches for the seatbelts and attaches them. El Jeffe politely abides by all traffic rules as we exit and drive around the block to get back to the main road heading south. We all agreed that we were not going to make another stop until the tequila tour so we could keep our minds fresh and alert. That wasn’t my plan but in the interests of keeping the peace, I reluctantly agreed.

My main mission now was to make sure and not miss the turnoff left to El Cedral which was directly across from Albertos Beach Bar……Hmmmm………..

“Say…everyone… there is a beach bar at the turn……,” was as far as I got before the back seat MMA ladies began the onslaught of abuse to my left shoulder. I sure hope they have ice at the tour.

The drive to El Cedral was uneventful and as we turned left, a tear ran out of my eye as we passed the beach bar on the right. I hear a very soft, chorus of sexy voices calling me, “Come back Montana SolMan, come back…….almost free tequila for you-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u…….

I casually turn my attention back to the road not wanting anyone to know not only was I experiencing a vision but hearing voices also. Just then Tina and Lisa both leaned forward whispering in my ear…… “Come back Montana Solman”, and burst out into devilish cackles. Realizing they had got me again, all I could come up with was a look at Jeff, shrugging my shoulders as we began laughing with them.

I will not let this setback deter me from my excitement of the upcoming tour seeing the processes from harvesting to cooking, moving on to extraction, fermentation, distillation, aging, and bottling. I can hardly contain myself as I think of the ultimate last step in opening the bottle, tasting the contents.

Hopefully the tour doesn’t take all afternoon as I am already thirsty and my mouth is watering at the thought of the refreshing margaritas at the end. I will be sure to ask for mine on the rocks, I may need the ice on my inflamed left deltoid muscle.

I am surprised that there is not a line of traffic waiting to get into the tour. As a matter of fact, the paved road has turned into a dirt road with the potholes getting bigger with each revolution of our bald tires. But the signs continue to urge us on until we pass what appear to be the last sign in sight next to a jungle shanty to our left with the skeletons of Volkswagens and jeeps in the distance that never made the round trip.

A Mexican dressed well in dark pants and a white shirt yells at us as we almost pass, “YOU HERE FOR FREE TEQUILA TOUR?”

A chorus of “SI SENOR!” breaks out from the jeep except for one voice which is unmistakably recognized as my own as I smile and yell, “NO GRACIAS!”

Don’t ask why, I can’t explain these things in Mexico, they just happen. Everyone looks at me as I quickly correct myself by asking is this the correct one, the Mexico Lindo free tour?”

To which the smiling Mexican yells back, “Si, park right here in front!”

We must have hit the tour at just the right time as there is only one other vehicle here and the occupants are smiling with wrapped tequila bottles in their hands just as they are about to leave. I don’t want to be dehydrated during the long tour so I quietly ask the couple if I should fill my backpack with water for the long, hot afternoon tour. They both start laughing as they tell me I will never lose sight of the jeep.

The very polite Mexican introduces himself as Daniel, our guide for the tour, explaining what we will see and do. I must have drifted off again as all I recall him saying was 100% blue agave can only be found in Jalisco, Mexico….and then something about tasting all the different types of tequila at the end..

I think I must have made him nervous; sensing my knowledge of tequila was overwhelming. He appeared to be sweating profusely. I winked at him letting him know it was okay to move on, I wouldn’t interrupt. Daniel gave me the strangest look and smiled as he winked back.

Something tells me I might have found someone that was more attracted to members of the same sex as the sweat immediately drenched my shirt. I deftly grabbed PalomaLover to show him I was not interested as she gave me a quick body jab informing me I was sweaty and sticky. If this shit keeps up I am going to have to drink an entire bottle to dull the pain, making damn sure I stay in the jeep with my crew.

The tour began with Daniel pointing out on a weathered canvas map strung between two poles the location of Jalisco, Mexico. He quickly transitioned from the map explaining the difference between blue agave and green agave as he pointed out two plants growing out by our parked rental.

Apparently he took us for simple folks as he repeated many times slowly pointing back and forth from left to right and back again.

“On the left, green agave, okay?”

“On the right, blue agave, okay?”

“Green, okay?”

“Blue, okay?”

I get the feeling this was going to go on all afternoon until we all chanted like zombies that had just stumbled onto 40 acres of burning agave or any other sensory enhancing plants.

“Green, okay….Blue, okay……..Green, okay…….blue okay…….okay?Okay!”

Daniel finally said “Okay, we move on,” to which we all took three and a half steps to our right and he began the short lived speech, pointing out another canvas picture of the harvest.

No demonstration of the cutting, just showed us a rusted version of a Coa, the “pina” or “pineapple” cutting tool.

Daniel explained the agave at this stage is often referred to as the pineapple as it resembles the tropical fruit. It takes approximately 15 pounds of pina to make 1 liter of tequila and approximately 150 pounds of bullshit from a rental car salesman to convince 4 gringos this was going to be the tour of the week.

I have to admit PalomaLover and I were probably way more excited to do this than El Jeffe and Lovie(Lisa).

But we were here now, so every 3-4 minutes we took another 3 to 4 steps right to see the next step in the process, graciously repeating, “Okay?, Okay!” each time. And within a lonnnng…short …….15-20 minutes we were done.

“Any questions, Okay, Okay! Now we sample!” Daniel exclaimed to a rousing applause from us.

Daniel broke out the shot glasses and began by introducing us to a shot of Blanco which he called smiling, “Share, Okay? Okay!”

Next was a shot of Reposado which had been aged in oak whiskey barrels from 2-12 months to which he said again smiling, “Share with friends, Okay?, Okay!”

I am positive he looked at me and winked, as I told myself no more eye contact with Daniel. But I have to admit this was smooth tequila and demanded a repeat taste after the Anejo.

Then we moved on to the Anejo which has been aged anywhere from one to over three years. This Daniel exclaimed is called, “No Share, Okay? Okay!” The taste of this was even smoother with a nice finish with practically no aftertaste.

Daniel then poured us shots of a coffee flavored tequila liqueur and then another Pina colada flavored tequila liqueur, explaining this was mostly for the women, therein calling it, “Coochie, Coochie, Okay? Okay!”

He then gave us the prices which were I think overpriced at anywhere from $49 a bottle for Coochie coochie to $129 a bottle for the aged “No Share, Okay, Okay!”

But by now his plan was working as he drank a shot with us every sample we had, meanwhile getting a buzz on and convincing us to spend many pesos in purchases.

PalomaLover and I settled on 2 bottles of reposado and a bottle of coochie coochie for the low price of over $200. Jeff and Lisa were about to buy 2 bottles of reposado also when Daniel happily explained that if the group purchased 6 bottles, we would get one free.

Well that’s a bargain if I ever heard one so Jeff and Lisa purchased another bottle of I think the coffee liqueur and we received a free bottle of “Coochie, Coochie, Okay?, Okay!”

The Amazing Free Tequila Tour!! Okay?, Okay!

PalomaLover negotiating a payment plan with the Tequila loan officer

By now we were absolutely thrilled with the tour and the buzz, graciously tipping Daniel waving as we left. I’m not sure but I think he blew a kiss at us and winked, although I think I was the only one that noticed. At this point I didn’t really mind, I mean what’s not to like about me and my worldly demeanor, my amazing balance, and my grasp of the Spanish language!

TO BE CONTINUED………………..OKAY?............................ .OKAY!
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Old 03-26-2014   #68 (permalink)
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Too funny.
We stopped in for the "tour" a couple of years ago. A hour of my life I will never get back.
A tequila tour on Coz should have been my first clue.

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Old 03-27-2014   #69 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by canadiense loco View Post
Too funny.
We stopped in for the "tour" a couple of years ago. A hour of my life I will never get back.
I tequila tour on Coz should have been my first clue.

Soooo many wasted hours of our lives! But, all in all, I learned a few things I didn't know about tequila and actually enjoyed the experience. (Or maybe I was just content with the warm tequila sitting in my belly!)
I ended up not spending as much money throughout our ten day vacation as I expected to so the exorbitant prices of their tequila didn't sting quite so badly. AND, we are still enjoying it at home with one full bottle and a third of the other left! (The Coochie Coochie was consumed very quickly however!)
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Old 03-29-2014   #70 (permalink)
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Sol Man you absolutely crack me up. I bet I LOL 10 times. We share the same sense of humor............loved the Yosemite Sam references!

Want more!
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Old 03-30-2014   #71 (permalink)
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FEBRUARY 08, 2014……………Continued

Things we learned from Daniel:
-“Up…..Down …..Center……..Enter”, said Daniel as he made the movements with his shot glass before each and every shot.

-Lift up a bottle of Jose Cuervo and tip it upside down. Hold it that way for about a minute and supposedly the clear liquid in the neck is the amount of 100% pure agave used in the tequila. The rest is methanol or ethanol……. Needless to say we were all in awe at his explanation of why people get sick drinking too much Jose.

Since I have been home I have looked this up on the internet and found the same advice about the bottle. My research has shown that cheap tequilas that are reported as a gold, such as Jose Cuervo are nothing more than a “bastardized” version of the real deal: a mix of fermented agave juice and up to 49 percent neutral cane spirit, fermented sugar cane with its flavor stripped out, caramel added for the coloring. My research has shown that anything labeled “oro” or “gold” is a mixto and therefore “the headache maker”.

PalomaLover and I have taken this research a step further locally. We literally know that when you walk around a liquor store back home and try this, holding the bottle upside down long enough you can convince yourself that it actually works. One other note of importance is if you do this to 2 bottles not much attention is paid to you, but after several, the liquor store management usually sends someone around to follow you. That is when the unique shaped skeleton head tequila bottle came very close to being purchased with all of its contents mixed with broken glass on the floor.

I still know Jose and me are not friends, with memories that still trigger the gag reflex. Names such as Jose and Jesus can bring up various emotions in me and it all depends on the context and location of the wording.

Jesus loves you is a nice thing to hear in church but I would suspect a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison…..
The rest of our island tour was somewhat altered by this excursion on the backroad. It reminded me of Ned Beatty in the old movie Deliverance, when he was made to squeal like a pig while getting …….fffff………….violated. As we hopped in the jeep and pulled away from our prime parking spot right up front, I swear I heard Daniel yell “Squeal”, and for some reason El Jeffe and I “oinked “ and “squealed” loudly and in unison as the girls punched both of us in the shoulder and laughed hysterically.

The good news is we all had the beginnings of a very nice warm feeling in our stomachs along with a growing buzz. We all knew our limitations and decided to be fair to El Jeffe and make only a couple of more beach bar stops before we returned the jeep. He was trying to pace himself and not having much luck.

The day was still very hot and clear, so we made our way somewhere around the southerly point of the island when we found Rasta’s bar and discovered a new version of Paloma due to their lack of a key ingredient…Fresca, or anything near a grapefruit juice or soda. We have not been known to complain too much when we have a happy buzz going so when they offered to make it with Sprite we all politely agreed……hence the name “Palrita”, pronounced like pal-right-a. It doesn’t have the same appeal to us but for those of you that are grapefruit-challenged it may be an option.


Last edited by Montana SolMan; 03-30-2014 at 04:53 PM..
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Old 03-30-2014   #72 (permalink)
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Beach at Rastas

Chillin at Rastas

PalomaLover taking advantage of the hot tropical sun.

Tina and Dean

Lisa and jeff


Tina thought a little spiritual help couldn't hurt........Little did she know what was coming up.
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Old 03-30-2014   #73 (permalink)
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Besides, when you are sitting on a beautiful, rocky beach on a hot day, it really works. The service was not very good so we only spent roughly 30 minutes.

But we did come up with a slogan for our t-shirt we will have on the annual Yellowstone River Boat Float this year.

“We Lost Our Banjos……You Better Paddle Faster”

It should be perfect on that float. Google or look it up on Facebook and you will see it is a crazy 3 day party down the Yellowstone River in Montana the first weekend after the 4th of July, unless the 4th falls on a Tuesday or later, then it is the weekend after that. Once again, getting off the subject…..

We are back in the jeep and take a short 10-15 minute drive until we see Playa Bonita along the coast to our right. It is only around 4:15 and we are not in a big hurry to get back before most of the cruise ship people leave, therefore a stop is not only justified but accepted by all.


We enter the bar as PalomaLover and Lovie’s eyes are immediately drawn to the large statue of a long haired Mexican surfer with a massive.…….hhhhmmmmmm……….heat seaking moisture missile…one-eyed wonder worm….throbbing python of love…….frank-n-beans…….meat popsicle……..spitting cobra……schwantz…..woody………Montana SolMonster(sorry, Just had to), sticking out the front of his shorts.

As for El Jeffe and me we are entranced by the quickly growing wet spots on their recently trimmed bushes.........................…………

.....................................that are in pots………… at the end of the bar.

I am no horticulturist but I believe they are called Mexican Bush Sage, and the bartender must have just watered them. It is a gorgeous bush, I should have taken a picture but was so entranced by its beauty I completely forgot. I did find a picture for this report though just to show you my sensitive side……..

That is one impressive long...........arm pointing at me.

Mexican Bush Sage.....The one in the bar was neatly trimmed and much wetter..

I took it upon myself to divert everyones attention and get back to the tour.

At this point I thought I needed to be responsible and suggested we order just two drinks and split them. We still had a little driving to do to return the jeep in one piece.

We decided on one margarita and one Bahama mama that we would all share. The nice waiter was kind enough to put enough straws in both drinks so we wouldn’t have to drink inappropriately keeping with the theme of our entire vacation….WILD FUN-BUT ALWAYS SAFE AND APPROPRIATE!!

The small margarita and bahama mama we shared.

Jeff where the plan went all wrong..

Tina loves this bar..

I do too.

Look the.........ahem............drink is so full it is almost spilling out.

Lisa still isn't sure..

Lisa realizes there is no booze in that drink...Okay?Okay!

Looks like she is enjoying it now.
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Old 03-30-2014   #74 (permalink)
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We also ordered some appetizers to keep the bodily alcohol content at bay. It took us a while longer than I thought to finish our two small cocktails, but that was a good thing, therefore we could enjoy a shot of mezcal before we left.

The polite waiter brought over 4 shot glasses and poured each a shot. He was very observant and apologized when he could see the disappointment in all of our eyes.

The bottle was so uniquely shaped that the women wanted to slurp right out of the bottle. I guess I wouldn’t be telling the complete truth if I didn’t say Jeff and I also grinned at each other thinking we would like to lick the area of the bottle where some of the mezcal had squirted out. The waiter must have very gentle hands to cause that.

But we wisely decided against the licking as it was too close to the shaft…I mean neck of the bottle and we weren’t about to end up on some crazy forum with pictures like that.

Shots of Mezcal-Tina trying desperately to keep her eyes on the camera.

Something must have ...come up.... at the bar

Our beautiful, classy wives resisted Jeff and my suggestion to drink out of the bottle.

If you look closely it might still be wet........this is where the mescal squirted out...

With my new found knowledge I was sure it was a cheap mixto but it was surprisingly good loosening everyone’s tongues up quite nicely causing some of us to drool.

Before we left the staff all came out and put protective aprons on Jeff and Tina as they were lagging a bit behind.

They must have all worked in a mine at one time in their lives as the conversation went to shafts and hairy openings that they had all been near. The more the conversation went on we could all feel drawn in as talk of small white shafts, large black shafts, and giant wood shafts all centered around one hairy opening that had Tina at the center of attention.

We all laughed heartily and decided to move on, but it was quite the struggle to release the ladies grip on the situation.

We finally succeeded as El Jeffe and I promised our wives we show them something that would hopefully hold their interest later tonight.

Personally, I am proud of how I carry myself and I know my wife never lacks for satisfaction, but there is a time when you know some guns are much larger than yours and this was one time I was a sure I was outgunned.

Protective aprons....Tina has some wet spots........from the large.......massive....overfilled drinks

Look at the skinny white..............cigarette in El Jeffe's hand.

I am a bit ashamed of my wife. Her hair is normally not as unruly...........must be the combination of the visor, umbrella and glasses that are making her hair stick out a bit on top.

It is hard to see in the picture but the waiter in back has just squeezed on a hand pump that caused water to shoot out of Tina's apron. Jeff looks a bit scared..

The determination on Jeff's face is hilarious as he tries to squirt also..

The ladies are trying a hands-on approach to the situation.

They are desperately trying not to lose their....... grip....on reality..

I am not sure if it is oak or maple but it appears to be some sort of HARD WOOD.

It appears even the clouds are rising to the occasion...coincidence....I think not..

What the hell is going on even this old woody boat has arisen......

Look at the sign on the right....Coco...nuts....

With the sun trying to set on another beautiful Mexican day, we completed our journey to town and safely returned the jeep. We purchased our return tickets to Playa and shortly after boarded the ferry back. It seemed to take twice as long to return making us all yearn for another drink or shot of tequila. When I mentioned this to El Jeffe, he grinned and quickly said, “I have a whole lap full”, to which we all laughed.

We made it back to the condo with all of our tequila purchases intact. We quickly mixed ourselves a Paloma and decided since it was Saturday night we should go to Wah Wah’s to see the band.

We were all a bit exhausted, deciding to forego changing and cleaning up. With all the excitement of the tequila tour and our island excursion we only made it thru 2 more drinks before giving in to our exhaustion and returning to the condo.


My beautiful wife......looks like her hands are tired though........from gripping........the tequila bottles all day..

Wah Wah's-Saturday night..

Still smiling but exhausted couples...

I cannot speak for Jeff and Lisa, but I know Tina and I both fell asleep with smiles of satisfaction on our faces…………………………..from the wonderful day trip and tequila tour……………………………….just before falling asleep my smile turned to a frown as I realized………….

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Old 04-01-2014   #75 (permalink)
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FEBRUARY 09, 2014

“Tequila straight. There’s a real polite drink. You keep drinking until you finally take one more and it just won’t go down. Then you know you’ve reached your limit.”—Lee Marvin

I woke up this morning feeling like nine miles of rusty barbwire. It appears that mass, unbridled consumption of tequila is having the same effect on my brain and body as the last time I performed extensive research on the agave nectar.

Sometimes I think my life is just a bunch of –it seemed like a good idea at the time’s- strung together.

I grab the largest container of cold water I can carry out to the kitchen patio with me. I am trying desperately to keep most of the water in the glass. My nerves are confused, sending my hands mixed signals about my stability, causing them to twitch and shake. The cool, fresh morning air on the beachfront patio is just what I need to restore my senses and balance to a trance-like calm.

Everyone is expecting me, the research expert, to be in perfect control at all times. We have two friends flying in to Cancun and arriving in PDC in three days, Barb and Gary (El Verno-a lurker). They are expecting us to be ready to party with no whining or excuses.

I sit here trying to regain my composure, while subconsciously subduing the bongo drums going off in my head. I realize I am going to have to be at the top of my game, not only for our friends arriving, but for Jeff and Lisa. We convinced them to come to Mexico against Jeff’s mother’s wishes.

She believes like many back home that Mexico is a very bad place, telling Jeff before he left it was a mistake. She assured him he would be innocently caught in the middle of some drug transaction and be ruthlessly murdered by the cartel. We are still laughing about that, my quest is to make sure nothing out of the ordinary like that happens.

I sigh to myself as I accept the realization that it is shaping up to be a long week and like a midget at a urinal, I am going to have to be on my toes.

I am beginning to feel less queasy and decide to take a short morning beach walk. I bend over to pick up the glass I had set on the lower ledge of the railing………………………………………….


A creature with searing black eyes resembling El Diablo with claws like a woverine has appeared on the ledge right at my feet. His nostrils flare as gallons of oozing mucus the color of swamp grass and black mud is hurled out roaring his disapproval of the invasion of his privacy. His breath smells of a combination of rotten milk, spoiled meat, and my son’s sneakers.

Someone else near must have seen the Devil creature as I hear an out of body, hair raising screech that literally turns my blood into a frozen blended margarita. Just before being eaten alive by one bite from his enormous uneven crocodile-like teeth, my tequila soaked brain is still upset about the missing free margarita.

I snap my neck to the left the direction from which I heard the unearthly scream to see if there is a pack of the wild creatures from hell descending on me after feasting on someone else. I see no one, yet out of my peripheral vision I see Diablo-Beast lunge again. In a last ditch effort to save myself, I push my feet to the cold concrete, lunging backwards, kicking the glass of water into the face of Sasqua-demon. The water immediately turns to vapor, sizzling as if poured on to molten lava oozing from a thousand year old volcano that has come back to life.

My feet slip, causing me to fall backwards, crashing into the two hard plastic chairs behind me launching one into the screen door, the other to the corner of the patio. I land hard on my ass, desperately grabbing at the wall to keep from hitting my head and knocking me unconscious, an easy prey for Diablodile. I quickly glance to the direction I last saw him, planning my escape, when all I see now is a small, wet cheetah-rat running away from the same direction the monster was last seen.

A combination of my stealth-like movements, the precise kicking of the water on the Diablodile, along with the dripping wet, running cheetah-rat must have been enough to chase him off. I slowly pick myself up, cautiously making my way back to the corner where I had the near miss, to look for any signs of the monster. All I see is a few little tracks the size of the cheetah-rat in the mud where the water was spilled, no mucus, no blood or fur, as I mull over its quick disappearance.

It is when I try to look thru the sliding glass door to make sure no one witnessed my acrobatics, that I see the reflection of three people not more than twenty feet away looking at me and smiling. As I turn to ask if they saw the creature, my favorite security guard whom still remains nameless greets me with a rousing, “Buenas Dias Senor, the agouti is fierce in Mexico, good thing you are so fast.”

To which I responded, “Buenas Dias, Que Pasa”, not because I wanted to know what was happening. It happened to be the only thing that came out of my tequila-frazzled brain.

I could tell they were all holding in their laughter as they walked away, just as I realized who the familiar looking old couple was. It was Klaus and Helga from the other night when the women jumped in the pool. Apparently they didn’t see the monster and I wasn’t about to chase them down and explain.

I went back in the condo and decided to take a quick walk up the beach to calm my now overstressed nerves and muscle fibers. I made it past the ferry dock and just past a yoga instructor who looked just like the Salvador character in Couples Retreat. I swore I heard him say, “Yes”, just like in the movie when I caught a glimpse of Klaus and Helga making their way back down the beach towards me.

I am still a bit shaky as you can see in this photo but "Salvador" from Couples Retreat has all the ladies performing yoga.

You can almost here him saying "Yesss"
Montana SolMan is offline   Reply With Quote

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