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Old 03-03-2014   #1 (permalink)
way into it
Montana SolMan's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Billings Montana
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The Last Chapter of "WHAT THE F*** HAPPENED!?!?"

PDC FEBRUARY 5-15, 2014

Many of the events, stories, and pictures in this report MAY NOT be suitable for all readers. This trip reporter cannot be held liable or responsible for loss of productivity at work or home due to wasted time spent reading this ridiculous report. All of the continuing research was performed by the Montana SolMan, Palomalover, Jeff, and Lisa (Both are “Mexico Virgins”). Barb and Gary (El Verno) joined us for the last 3 days.
We DO NOT promote the consumption of alcohol as it can have many negative and embarrassing consequences on the inexperienced individual.

When on vacation or holiday in Playa Del Carmen, the temptation to have too much fun while making an absolute ass of oneself always overrides common sense. If you find yourself in a situation like myself, where my foot has a reserved parking stall in my mouth, have fun with it.

Don’t take any of this too serious, have a little fun in your day. Trust me; I know how difficult that can be. If you ever see me in Playa, watch from a distance and chuckle to yourself. Just wait for it……… most times my mouth is wide open, waiting, and fully aware the other foot is on its way!!!

Open an ice cold cerveza, glass of fine or cheap wine, have a shot of tequila, or whatever your poison may be and hopefully enjoy the ride……..
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Old 03-03-2014   #2 (permalink)
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This sounds like it could be interesting. Carry on!
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Old 03-03-2014   #3 (permalink)
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FEBRUARY 15, 2014
Beads of sweat exit every pore of my body faster than panties from a prom dress, as I desperately attempt to keep the valve from opening. My mind is racing frantically searching for any solution to quickly solve my predicament. I feel my muscles straining as I flex them against the ever increasing pressure.

My careless actions the past 10 days have put my beautiful and extremely understanding wife, our Playa “virgin” friends Jeff and Lisa seated next to me along with countless unsuspecting strangers in an extremely volatile situation. The potential of exposing them all to highly flammable, noxious gasses and liquids is highly probable as each long second passes.

The automated voice on the intercom of this highly secure government facility, cheerfully announces a swiftly approaching deadline for many of these passing strangers, including myself, Palomalover, Jeff and Lisa. Missing this deadline could be disastrous, as we are now on a very strict schedule, unlike my uncontrolled, carefree actions of the past week and a half.

At this point I must make a crucial decision. If I move even a fraction of an inch with any part of my body, my muscles might relax just enough to give the demons the opening they have been looking for. The chaos that would ensue with men, women, children running and screaming, their eyes watering, noses running, and the unmistakable sound of gagging, might be more than my psyche could endure.

Time is running out……a decision must be made NOW. I have to try to reach the clearly labeled cubicles where this hazardous waste can be safely neutralized. I would give anything to be able to run faster than a 14 year old who just walked in on his parents doing the horizontal hula dance.…………………………………..

The automated voice startles me again, first in Spanish, then English… (I wish she knew Hawaiian?!!……….Hmmm………never mind.
“Flight 516 with service to Minneapolis is now in final boarding.”
It’s time! I must attempt to move, risking a horrendous version of a classic Picasso in my pants. If I don’t the consequence might be to miss the first leg of our flight back to Montana, which doesn’t seem all that bad at this moment.

I look sheepishly to my right at my wife, Tina (Palomalover), as she looks back with an all knowing, yet sympathetic look. Anyone else might mistake her smile for an unsympathetic smirk as she presses her lips together trying to keep the explosion of laughter at bay. But to me it is all heartfelt compassion for her man, and that’s my story.

I suppose there is the slim possibility she could be thinking, “You fool, it is all on you! Your desperate smokescreen that you call RESEARCH” has led you to believe the power to consume massive amounts of cervezas and tequila every day was easily attainable, without disastrous consequences.”

I feel the pressure subside just enough to give me the much needed confidence to attempt a dash for the bano near the end of this wing of the Cancun Airport.

As I stand, I realize how badly the seed of the almighty agave plant has muddled my brain. The movement is just enough to shift everything in the critical areas of my digestive tract. Have you ever tried to look casual and dignified while trying to hold the pressure of a fire hose in the back seat of your pants?

It reminds me of a young boy at the age of 6 or 7 sitting in a pew at church and realizing he really has to fart. At this age logic tells you to release it slowly where it will quietly sneak out without anyone knowing or smelling.

Reasoning at this age doesn’t tell you the importance of the lack of pressure on a musician’s lips. If you squeeze the lower cheeks tightly together resembling a 5th Avenue Mariachi trumpet player, it starts as a high pitched, muffled squeak and quickly turns into the sounds of the full 5 piece band playing “La Bamba”. Even a cute little suit and clip-on tie on a 6 or 7 year old can’t hide the red faced giggles that soon turn into uncontrolled raucous laughter in a small town, church in eastern Montana.

The impossible is attempted as I glance towards the bano, which now resembles a scene from a cartoon. The door can be clearly seen at the end of a long tunnel, all the people and obstacles in my peripheral vision a fuzzy blur. The door is brightly lit, but is being sucked further down the tunnel by the forces of nature. Just as I feel my wild oats being quickly transformed into shredded wheat, my mind drifts to the previous 10 days that put me in this situation……..
“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
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Old 03-04-2014   #4 (permalink)
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Great start!! Thanks for not posting graphic pics during this stage of the conversation, but please do carry on!
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Old 03-04-2014   #5 (permalink)
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can't wait for another awesome trip report from you!!!!
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Old 03-04-2014   #6 (permalink)
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Looking so forward to this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-04-2014   #7 (permalink)
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Nice opening scene......sonofdob
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Old 03-04-2014   #8 (permalink)
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Awesome introduction!
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Old 03-04-2014   #9 (permalink)
into ruins
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Now we're cookin'!!!
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Old 03-04-2014   #10 (permalink)
Join Date: Dec 2006
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Been waiting for this ! Funny we met you and your wife on our first ever peep meet at the beer bucket. We ask if you guys were there for the meet.. Never did figure out you were until trip report came out awhile back. You were in undercover mode .

Anyway carry on Montana Sol Man This report may just get me through this shitty winter here in Md. Still trying for a last minute escape to Playa.
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Old 03-04-2014   #11 (permalink)
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Anxiously waiting the next chapter!! Spellbinding so far.........
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Old 03-04-2014   #12 (permalink)
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My Gawd Montana Solman ! I remember reading your 1st trip report back in Feb of 2010, one of the most hilarious stories I've ever read ! You are a fantastic writer mi amigo .... ROCK ON !

Last edited by Duck; 03-04-2014 at 07:34 PM.. Reason: mis=spelled
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Old 03-04-2014   #13 (permalink)
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Such a tease!
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Old 03-05-2014   #14 (permalink)
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My excitement can not be contained!!
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Old 03-05-2014   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Emmylousue View Post
My excitement can not be contained!!
Neither can Sol Man's apparently.... GREAT START amigo, mas mas!
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