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As some of you will likely have noticed from passing comments in some other threads, I recently joined a gym, and I thought I might share some of early experiences with you. The membership was actually a gift from my wife. Though still in great shape from when I was on the Varsity Chess Club in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called and set up a session with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day1
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started this morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the various exercise machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just being near her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very supportive as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in all the time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!

Day 3
The only way I can clean my teeth is to lay the toothbrush on the counter and move my mouth back and forth over it. Driving was okay, as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I tried the stair monster. Why would anyone create a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of the elevator? Tanya reassured me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” is in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s locker room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment, she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated another human being in the entire history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in excruciating pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you, Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want even more dents in the floor, don’t hand me any more barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame! The treadmill hurled me backwards into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7
Well, that’s the week. Thank God it’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for dental surgery.