FORUM FUN FEATURE!! Government Contract Language

**Bumper** · 05-12-2004

Perhaps sctx, or someone else who has had dealings with the bureaucrats, would care to comment on the accuracy of these definitions.

Government Contract Dictionary

CONTRACTOR: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.

BID OPENING: A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER: A contractor who is wondering what the Hell he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER’S ESTIMATE: The cost of construction in Heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER: The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD: A management technique for losing your shirt under complete control.

OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH ADMINISTRATION: A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs, and baloney -usually applied at random with a shotgun.

STRIKE: An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE: The point at which liquidating damages begin.

LIQUIDATING DAMAGES: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR: People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYER: People who go in after the auditors are finished and strip the bodies.

Dale · 05-14-2004

Speaking as a gambler, who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal, Bumper, your definitions are extremely accurate.

05-12-2004	#1 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 9,675	FORUM FUN FEATURE!! Government Contract Language Perhaps sctx, or someone else who has had dealings with the bureaucrats, would care to comment on the accuracy of these definitions. Government Contract Dictionary CONTRACTOR: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal. BID OPENING: A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER: A contractor who is wondering what the Hell he left out of his bid. ENGINEER’S ESTIMATE: The cost of construction in Heaven. PROJECT MANAGER: The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union. CRITICAL PATH METHOD: A management technique for losing your shirt under complete control. OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH ADMINISTRATION: A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs, and baloney -usually applied at random with a shotgun. STRIKE: An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken. DELAYED PAYMENT: A tourniquet applied at the pockets. COMPLETION DATE: The point at which liquidating damages begin. LIQUIDATING DAMAGES: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible. AUDITOR: People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded. LAWYER: People who go in after the auditors are finished and strip the bodies.

05-14-2004	#2 (permalink)
Dale life=playa Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Charleston, SC Posts: 696	Speaking as a gambler, who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal, Bumper, your definitions are extremely accurate.

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