FORUM FUN FEATURE!! Rules of the South

[Bumper]

Rules Of The South

1.Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it
2.If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.
3.Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four unshaved men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck, with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain, will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.Do not buy food at the movie store.
7.If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8.Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All Y’all” is plural. “All Y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9.There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, except perhaps a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10.Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from round here, are ya?”
11.People walk slower here.
12.Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
13.The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ‘ol,” as in “Big ‘ol truck or Big ‘ol Boy”. Eighty five percent begin their new Southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14.The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.Be advised: The “He needed killin’ “ defence is considered valid here.
16.If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is taken down.
17.If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18.Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19.Northerners may be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that results from yelling at Southern drivers.
20.The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November to make an appearance.
21.If there is the prediction of even the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you actually need anything from the store, it’s just something you’re supposed to do.
22.Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
23.Tornados and Southerners going through a divorce have a great deal in common. In both cases, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24.Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25.In Southern churches, you will hear the hymn “All Glory, Laud and Honor” You will also hear such expressions as, “Laud, have mercy, Good Laud, and Laudy, Laudy, Laudy.”
26.As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a vehicle known as a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for such a vehicle.
27.You may ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
28.You can tell if a Southerner is married if there is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
29.In a Southern hotel, if you call the front desk and say, “I gotta’ leak in my sink.” The response will be, “Go ahead.”
30.The minimum legal drinking age across the South is 32 in order to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
31.In the South, it takes two people to eat a deer because while one eats, the other has to watch for traffic.
32.You know the toothbrush was invented in the South because if it had originated anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
33.If a highway patrol officer pulls over a pickup truck in the South and says, “Got any ID?”, the reply will be “Bout what?”

[cuffedlinks]

Hey Bumper!

Good stuff...but I wonder how many of the Texas crew will be "on ya" when they get back to the forum after all their weekend frivolity....

I'm a Northerner with Southern proclivities...

Is there such a thing as a Northern Canadian or Southern Canadian?
...I think I heard once where 90% of all Canadians live within 250 miles of the US Border...pretty nearby...an elongated narrow strip...if that makes sense...

Sure hope it isn't like Michael Corleone said..."Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer..."

[sctx]

and your point is ????????

But Bump I have to hit you w/ one correction:
# Northerners may be identified by the spit on the outside of their windshield that results from tailgating a Southern driver

[tommy]

Bumper.now this sum damn bullshit you always pickin on us here southerners..I think ya'll northeners there take sum offense to us good ol boys down here with our fancy 4x4's and shotgun racks..Ya'll be damn glad when one of my bubba's pulls up next to ya when you run off there in one of them there drain ditches to pull ya'll yankie ass out of ther...Ya'll be thankin the good Laud out loud and all...Hell yeah we love Bacon grease specialy when it runs down the corner of your mouth and mix's with the chaw juice...I love that in the mornin when im sittin on the porch watering the plants in my out door toilet planter thingy my mom's gave me for my 7th grade graduation present...Heck boy you ant never Known love till you and your 1st cousin rocked the trailer off one of the cinder blocks...its alot of fun...Well hell Boy you wouldnt understand caus You just aint from round here are ya? Ya'll just keep your damn snow and your frozen lakes caus you just cant hook no sand trout up in that shit...Now if yall exuse me I got to go adjust my satilite dish caus my Buddies are cummin over to watch the tractor pull championships...my best bubba is number 34 right here from south Texas...so yall exuse if ya dont minds...

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by cuffedlinks

Hey Bumper!

Good stuff...but I wonder how many of the Texas crew will be "on ya" when they get back to the forum after all their weekend frivolity....

I'm a Northerner with Southern proclivities...

Is there such a thing as a Northern Canadian or Southern Canadian?
...I think I heard once where 90% of all Canadians live within 250 miles of the US Border...pretty nearby...an elongated narrow strip...if that makes sense...

Sure hope it isn't like Michael Corleone said..."Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer..."

Yo, Cuff:

I ain't skeered o' no Texicans, I are almost one my own self. I gotta hat, I gotta coupla pair a boots, I gotta belt buckle the size of a hubcap from a '58 Chevy, I recogonizes cows 2 times outta 3, I knows not to spit into the wind, and I actual bin to the Alamo. I reckon where's how I'm sorta over qualified, if anythang.

As far as Southern Canadians go, I think that high percentage who live along the border is actually a lot closer than 250 miles. Most of the population of Canada is in southern Ontario and Quebec, and most of that is just barely North of the US. We do have a few cities that are a bit farther North, but for the most part we're snuggled close to the border. Gotta keep warm by being as far South as we can manage, you know.

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by sctx

and your point is ????????

But Bump I have to hit you w/ one correction:
# Northerners may be identified by the spit on the outside of their windshield that results from tailgating a Southern driver

And Southerner's windshields are covered with spit on the inside from making those B-P-P-P-P-P-P "Big 'Ol" truck sounds, while they're driving.

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by sun seekers

Bumper.now this sum damn bullshit you always pickin on us here southerners..I think ya'll northeners there take sum offense to us good ol boys down here with our fancy 4x4's and shotgun racks..Ya'll be damn glad when one of my bubba's pulls up next to ya when you run off there in one of them there drain ditches to pull ya'll yankie ass out of ther...Ya'll be thankin the good Laud out loud and all...Hell yeah we love Bacon grease specialy when it runs down the corner of your mouth and mix's with the chaw juice...I love that in the mornin when im sittin on the porch watering the plants in my out door toilet planter thingy my mom's gave me for my 7th grade graduation present...Heck boy you ant never Known love till you and your 1st cousin rocked the trailer off one of the cinder blocks...its alot of fun...Well hell Boy you wouldnt understand caus You just aint from round here are ya? Ya'll just keep your damn snow and your frozen lakes caus you just cant hook no sand trout up in that shit...Now if yall exuse me I got to go adjust my satilite dish caus my Buddies are cummin over to watch the tractor pull championships...my best bubba is number 34 right here from south Texas...so yall exuse if ya dont minds...

Tommy...I...well, I..., it's just that I..., couldn't I...A-w-w-w forget it! Say hi to uncle/dad for me.

[Shammy]

Bumper, this might well go right along with yers...........mostly
(and sincerely Tommy, no offense intended my darling. You ain't no redneck!)

Your wife can't fix you dinner cause she's at cheerleading practice
You finance your tatoos
Your side by side refridgerator consists of two igloo coolers
Your child's first pet was a chicken
You think God looks alot like Hank Williams Jr.
You have more guns than teeth
Your baby's first words were "Attention K MART shoppers"
You consider dating second cousins "playing the field"
Your family tree doesn't fork
You missed your graduation because your kids were sick
You refer to 5th grade as "my senior year"
Somebody yells "Hoe down" and your wife hits the floor
The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut
You go to your sister's wedding so you can kiss the bride
Your family reunion was ruined cause your daddy burnt the Spam
Fancy eating out for you involves driving to the next window
Your kids call your sister mom
You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids
You've been married 3 times and still have the same in laws
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People"
You think Genatalia is an Italian airline
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader
Your wife's hairdo was once mined by a ceiling fan
You go to your family reunion looking for a date
Your Junior/Senior prom had a day care
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at "The House of Tatoos"
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos"
You dated one of your parents current spouses in high school
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk
You can smash a beer can on your imaginary friends forehead...and it works!
You think a nutcracker is something you did off the high dive
You leave beer and pickeled eggs for Santa
You defense in court is "honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence!"
and
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines"


If I'm outta line, errrrrrr.......I'm blamin it on poor judgement, clouded by prescription drug ingestion. Yee haw!

[Critter]

Hey bumper isn't a northern Canadian either a moose or a polar bear?

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by Critter

Hey bumper isn't a northern Canadian either a moose or a polar bear?

Mostly.

Lots of polar bears. They say they really enjoy the igloos. "Kinda crunchy on the outside, but the inside is warm and juicy. Yummm!"

The rest is pretty much moose, or elk, or Rotarians, or something.

[cuffedlinks]

Originally Posted by Bumper

Mostly.

Lots of polar bears. They say they really enjoy the igloos. "Kinda crunchy on the outside, but the inside is warm and juicy. Yummm!"

The rest is pretty much moose, or elk, or Rotarians, or something.

LOL !

[tommy]

okay boys im back from watching the tractor pull championships....Bubba didnt win caus his tire blew out....maybe next year...the queen of the tractor pull was announced and it was my step-sisters cousins duaghters mom....(she had the most teeth) but she is also real perty too....I meen she has soom really cool tattos and one well I wont say where its at...Paw told me it was a piece of work...she had gotten it while she in the joint last year fer gettin poped in a welfare check scam....(she kept tryin to buy beer and smokes with here checks) any way Im off to see my uncle,,,we's a goin snake huntin...its a real hoot...c Ya'll later...snake stew fer dinner tonight...YEEEEEHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TAPPY]

Never ask a man if he's from Up North.
If he is, he'll tell you on his own.
If he isn't, well hell, there's no need to embarrass him."

YOU MIGHT BE FROM UP NORTH IF....

If you can identify a Chicago accent...

If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town...

If you design your Halloween costumes to fit over snowmobile suits...

If you refer to your relatives in the southern part of the state as "flatlanders"...

If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones...

If your kid's baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out...

If the trees in your backyard have spigots...

If you know how to play Cribbage and Sheepshead...

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.

If you keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it just isn't worth taking them off for only two months.

If you believe that rushing out on the lakes with your pick-up in November is nature's way of culling the local gene pool.

If all your kids at school are above average.

If you like to come in out of the sun when the temperature gets above 72.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from December through February.

If you have a nickname for your chain saw and you pat it on the fuel tank at the end of a hard day's work.

If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches.

If your local bars still have "The Friday Night Fights" even though boxing is no longer on television.

If your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

If you praise the parents of the state's top basketball player for pulling him off of the team until his grades improve.

If you laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast.

If taking the wife 'out to eat' means Friday Fish Fry. Walleye. Beer battered. Deep fried.

If you can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen "Ole and Lena" jokes.

If you actually know people named Ole and Lena.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake you think of a dancing bear, and sing, gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters . . . Hamm's, the beer refreshing. Hamm's, the beer refreshing."

If your wife's Lady Remington is a .270 bolt action...

If at least 50% of your relatives work for the timber/paper industry...

If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...

If Fleet Farm only needs to sell beer, pizza, and live bait to get 100% of your shopping dollars...

If your out-of-state relatives treasure you as a supply source for shipping them Leinenkugels, cheese curds, and brats...

[TAPPY]

And here is one just for Shammy (hope you are feeling better and the knee is healing )


YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM JERSEY IF...

(1) You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges."

(2) You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

(3) A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.

(4) You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

(5) You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

(6) At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.

(7) You know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.

(8) You know what a "jug handle " is.

(9) You know that WaWa is a convenience store.

(10) You know that the state isn't all farmland.

(11) You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey. There's "The Shore". And you don't go "to the shore". You go "down the Shore". And when you are there, you're not "at the shore", you are "down the Shore".

(12) Even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs. And it's a Sub, not a submarine sandwich or - worse yet, a hoagie, a hero, or a grinder.

(13) You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.

(14) You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.

(15) You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try...Mexico, ....York, ...Hampshire ... doesn't work, does it?)

(16) You only go to New York City for day trips, and you call it "The City."

(17) You go to "The City" to get a good knish, but great pierogies can be found just around the corner.

(18) You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.

(19) You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege.

(20) You don't think "What exit" is very funny.

(20) You know that the first "strip shopping center" in the country was on Route 22.

(21) You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different."

(22) You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton University. That's for out-of-staters.

(23) The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school, church or local bar.

(24) You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

(25) You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.

(26) Every year, you had a least one kid in your class named Tony.

(27) You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.

(28) You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.

(29) You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from Central Jersey go to Belmar and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way.

(30) You were not raised in New Jersey. You were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.

(31) You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.

(32) You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Jack-in-the-Box, Channel, Bamburger's, Sterns and Orbach's.

(33) You know a "diner" to be a full-menu family restaurant, not a fast food, "greasy spoon" like in other parts of the country.

(34) You've had a Boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.




(35) You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.




(36) When you say you're going to Englishtown you mean you're going to the flea market, not the town.



(37) You've NEVER, NEVER pumped your own gas.

[Shammy]

Ohhhhhh, I never saw this Tam! Looks like fun!...............

Originally Posted by TAPPY

And here is one just for Shammy (hope you are feeling better and the knee is healing )


YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM JERSEY IF...

(1) You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges."

My aunt owned an apartment building there. I lived on South Orange Avenue when I was 1. Being little, I always thought it was "Southon Javenue" cause the Italians ran all the words together.

(2) You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

That is correct cause that's what it was FIRST

(3) A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.

Stick some pork roll in there too.

(4) You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

And still live 15 minutes from there.

(5) You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

Ummmm...OK.

(6) At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.

This I have to disagree with. We're all Parrotheads or Deadheads. Bruce doesn't do it for us but my friend used to sing in his band and I've met him several times.

(7) You know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.

Lives near the in laws. Met him too, in a diner. Well OK, I SAW him in the diner.

(8) You know what a "jug handle " is.

Doesn't everyone have jug handles?

(9) You know that WaWa is a convenience store.

Better cawfee than Dunkie Donuts!

(10) You know that the state isn't all farmland.

Ummmm....OK

(11) You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey. There's "The Shore". And you don't go "to the shore". You go "down the Shore". And when you are there, you're not "at the shore", you are "down the Shore".

I actually live "down the shore", not "down the beach". This is all correct.

(12) Even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs. And it's a Sub, not a submarine sandwich or - worse yet, a hoagie, a hero, or a grinder.

Well, they didn't HAVE a cafeteria when I was a wee lass but my son LOVES the subs at his school! We used a grinder in metal shop.

(13) You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.

Uhhhh...I've been hit from behind THREE times on damn circles. In my defense, anyone that gets hit from behind on a circle is innocent here in Joisey!

(14) You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.

See above.

(15) You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try...Mexico, ....York, ...Hampshire ... doesn't work, does it?)

I'm from Joisey...You from Joisey?

(16) You only go to New York City for day trips, and you call it "The City."

What? Stay over any pay $400/nt when I can drive 45 minutes home and sleep in my bed for free? Not likely you'll find me sleepin around The City!

(17) You go to "The City" to get a good knish, but great pierogies can be found just around the corner.

Don't like either. Does that make me a bad Joiseyite?

(18) You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.

And now they have them in the freezer section at the grocery store!

(19) You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege.

Disagree. Hate mustard. Mayo or ketchup goes on everything regardless of size, shape or color.

(20) You don't think "What exit" is very funny.

Yes I do! Exit 91 here!

(20) You know that the first "strip shopping center" in the country was on Route 22.

Grew up right near Rt. 22. When we were little, Rt. 22 was the best place in the world cause that's where the bowling alley was, the movie theater, toy store, and they even had these little amusement parks on Rt. 22.

(21) You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different."

Ahhhhh yup! That's our version of a "Southerner".

(22) You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton University. That's for out-of-staters.

The REAL reason is that we can't afford to go to Princeton because we spend too much money on our car insurance and cigarettes! (at $6.00/pk!)

(23) The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school, church or local bar.

You should see the parking lot at Giants Stadium when there's a game!

(24) You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

2 malls actually.

(25) You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.

My street is off of Rt. 70 and very close to Rt. 35 and Rt. 88

(26) Every year, you had a least one kid in your class named Tony.

And it was always the same Tony. We called him Tony Bologna. He's in jail now for racking up thousands of dollars on a phone sex line and refusing to pay for it (and this is true!)

(27) You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.

My cell phone ringtone is the theme from the Sopranos!

(28) You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.

Nope, never happen. I know the mall like I know my own name!

(29) You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from Central Jersey go to Belmar and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way.

Well, not entirely true. I live 10 minutes from Belmar and it's chock full of bennies from "Nort Joisey"

(30) You were not raised in New Jersey. You were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.

Central Jersey.

(31) You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.



(32) You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Jack-in-the-Box, Channel, Bamburger's, Sterns and Orbach's.

OMG!! Memories! When I was little, I used to pull the patio furniture out of the displays at Two Guys in Newark and rearrange it! I used to work in Bamburgers.

(33) You know a "diner" to be a full-menu family restaurant, not a fast food, "greasy spoon" like in other parts of the country.

No, they're still greasy spoons to me. I have refined tastes.

(34) You've had a Boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.

Cheesesteaks.......yummmmmmmm. But I thought only people from Canada put vinegar on their fries? (as shown to me by my college roomie who was from Ontario)

(35) You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.

Of course. Parrothead party and want to make sure people save the date! Besides, it's the last time we can leave our homes and not sit in idle traffic just to get to the post office.

(36) When you say you're going to Englishtown you mean you're going to the flea market, not the town.

Ya mean there's another place, an actual town by that name?

(37) You've NEVER, NEVER pumped your own gas.

Yeah, as IF! I HAVE never pumped my own gas...never!