FORUM FUN FEATURE!! Texas Chili Cookoff

**Bumper** · 06-09-2004

As threatened in another thread, I managed to find the following bit of nonsense and will post it here. Neither new or original, but I found it amusing. We actually had occasion to visit one of the fabled roadside chili buses in Texas a few years back, while on a driving trip to the Lone Star State. It was charmingly stereotypical. A lot of faded formica counter tops and well-worn naugahyde stools. Numerous varieties of hot sauce, bowls of crackers, and chopped onions on the counter. Some of the coldest Lone Star I've ever enjoyed, and chili to die for, or for the faint-of-heart to die from. A truly unforgettable experience.

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge in a chili cook-off, because nobody else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 - Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili

JUDGE 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK - HOLY SHIT! What the Hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 - Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK - Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tatoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3 - Fred’s Famous “Burn Down The Barn” Chili

JUDGE 1 - Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2 - A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK - Call the EPA. I’ve located a radioactive waste spill! My nose feels like I’ve been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the drill by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The chunky barmaid has pounded me on the back so hard that my spine is now in the front of my chest. She says her friends call her “Sally”. I’ll bet behind her back they call her “Forklift.” I’m getting shit-faced from the beers I’m using as fire extinguishers.

Chili #4 - Bubba’s Black Magic Chili

JUDGE 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a chili.
FRANK - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I wasn’t able to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake tattoo sort of coiled and uncoiled...it’s kinda cute. That 300 pound bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear chili.

Chili #5 - Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE 2 - Chili uses shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK - My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed to be treated by paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili #6 - Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian style chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me, except Sally. I asked her if she wants to go dancing later. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 - Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2 - Ho Hum! Tastes as if the cook literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3. He appears to be in some degree of distress as he is cursing and drooling uncontrollably.
FRANK - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel the thing go off. I’ve lost the sight of one eye, and the world sounds like it’s made up of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like crap to match my Goddamn shirt. At least at the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s just too painful, and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 - Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE 1 - A perfect ending, this is a nice blended chili, safe for all. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither too mild or too hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 passed out, fell into the stove, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK - Momma??!!

RAM · 06-10-2004

Yep, Bumper that's the one. Do you think TX was really "Frank" or just the writer, or both?

06-09-2004	#1 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 9,675	FORUM FUN FEATURE!! Texas Chili Cookoff As threatened in another thread, I managed to find the following bit of nonsense and will post it here. Neither new or original, but I found it amusing. We actually had occasion to visit one of the fabled roadside chili buses in Texas a few years back, while on a driving trip to the Lone Star State. It was charmingly stereotypical. A lot of faded formica counter tops and well-worn naugahyde stools. Numerous varieties of hot sauce, bowls of crackers, and chopped onions on the counter. Some of the coldest Lone Star I've ever enjoyed, and chili to die for, or for the faint-of-heart to die from. A truly unforgettable experience. Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge in a chili cook-off, because nobody else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1 - Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili JUDGE 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK - HOLY SHIT! What the Hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy! Chili #2 - Arthur’s Afterburner Chili JUDGE 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK - Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tatoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili #3 - Fred’s Famous “Burn Down The Barn” Chili JUDGE 1 - Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE 2 - A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers. FRANK - Call the EPA. I’ve located a radioactive waste spill! My nose feels like I’ve been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the drill by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The chunky barmaid has pounded me on the back so hard that my spine is now in the front of my chest. She says her friends call her “Sally”. I’ll bet behind her back they call her “Forklift.” I’m getting shit-faced from the beers I’m using as fire extinguishers. Chili #4 - Bubba’s Black Magic Chili JUDGE 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a chili. FRANK - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I wasn’t able to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake tattoo sort of coiled and uncoiled...it’s kinda cute. That 300 pound bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear chili. Chili #5 - Linda’s Legal Lip Remover JUDGE 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE 2 - Chili uses shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK - My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed to be treated by paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili #6 - Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian style chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! FRANK - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me, except Sally. I asked her if she wants to go dancing later. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili #7 - Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE 2 - Ho Hum! Tastes as if the cook literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3. He appears to be in some degree of distress as he is cursing and drooling uncontrollably. FRANK - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel the thing go off. I’ve lost the sight of one eye, and the world sounds like it’s made up of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like crap to match my Goddamn shirt. At least at the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s just too painful, and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 - Helen’s Mount Saint Chili JUDGE 1 - A perfect ending, this is a nice blended chili, safe for all. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither too mild or too hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 passed out, fell into the stove, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK - Momma??!! __________________ Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!" Last edited by Bumper; 06-09-2004 at 11:50 PM.

06-10-2004	#2 (permalink)
RAM way into it Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma Posts: 179	Yep, Bumper that's the one. Do you think TX was really "Frank" or just the writer, or both?

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