FORUM FUN FEATURE!! California bashing

Bumper · 06-20-2004

As a service to my chum Scotty, who inquired on another thread as to why I seem to be picking on Southerners, to the exclusion of other folks - like Californians, here's a little something. Any other special requests?

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN CALIFORNIA?

1. One of your co-workers has 8 body piercing’s, and none of them are visible.
2. You earn over $250,000 a year and still can’t afford a decent house.
3. You are surprised to overhear 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can’t remember...is pot legal?
6. You’ve been to a baby shower for a child with two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion on where your coffee beans are grown and can detect the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. Finding a really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. You find nothing wrong with a low speed pursuit interrupting ANY television program.
11. Gasoline costs 75 cents more than anywhere else in North America.
12. A man is in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps. You don’t even notice.
13. The guy in the baseball cap in Starbucks at 8:30 AM, who looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your mortgage payment.
15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16. It’s sprinkling and there’s a special report on every all-news station about “STORM WATCH 2004".
17. You have to leave the big annual company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:30 PM Tae Bo class at your gym.
18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
19. It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early in a vain attempt to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
20. You AND your dog have therapists.

Critter · 06-20-2004

Ahhh the life of glamor!

TAPPY · 06-20-2004

This is waaaaayyyy funny (isnt that how they talk)

Bumper · 06-20-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by TAPPY

This is waaaaayyyy funny (isnt that how they talk)

Ya' know...like...totally!!

Lil G · 06-20-2004

You're killin' me here...

Bumper · 06-20-2004

Just to throw a little more fuel on the fire, I remembered the following little tidbit I had squirreled away. After this, I suspect I may have lost the few friends I ever had in The Sunshine State. What do you think, Scotty, enough beating on those poor Californians for a while?

Los Angeles Driver’s License Application

Name:_______________________ Stage Name:_____________________

Agent:_______________________ Attorney:_______________________

Sex: Male __ Female__ Formerly Male__ Formerly Female__ Both__

If female, indicate breast implant size:___

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to operate your motor vehicle in any way? YES:___ NO:___

Please list brand and model of your cell phone:______________________
If you don’t have a cell phone, please explain:______________________

Please check hair colour: Females: Blonde;( ) Platinum Blonde;( ) Teenagers: Purple ( ) Blue ( ) Skinhead ( )

Please indicate activities you perform while driving: check more than one if necessary.
( ) Eating
( ) Applying makeup
( ) Talking on the phone
( ) Slapping kids in the back seat
( ) Having sex
( ) Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
( ) Tanning
(X) Snorting cocaine (Already checked for your convenience)
( ) Watching TV
( ) Reading Variety magazine
( ) Surfing the net on your laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers:____
b) You expect to be shot at while driving:____

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week:____

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Queludes
If none of the above, please explain; ___________________________

What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

TEST: Please indicate the correct answer

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately;
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the TV in the high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney: discuss the possibility of launching a lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not getting through.
d) Call your therapist

In the event of an earthquake, you should;
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all your loved ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and get some footage to sell to Channel 4 News.

In the event of rain, you should;
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You’re not sure what “rain” is.

When stopped by police, you should;
a) Pull over and have your driver’s licence and insurance documents ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the Pacific Coast Highway
c) Have your video camera ready and try to provoke them to attack, ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

Nerak936 · 06-20-2004

Like, oh my gaaaaawd, there's just so much to read here!!

I'll have to, like, go sit down somewhere really comfy and, like, have my Slurpee.......

I am, like, SO stressed!! (Do you like my hair???????)

TAPPY · 06-20-2004

Hee hee !!!! Karen you are killing me !!!

Love the new pic !!!!! Tiggy dreaming of Playa

**denisea** · 06-20-2004

Karen, your new avatar is a keeper. I love it!

sctx · 06-20-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

What do you think, Scotty, enough beating on those poor Californians for a while?

Yeah Bump, between you and the Lakers loss, I think they've been knocked back down to earth !

Bumper · 06-20-2004

Dandy new avatar, Karen, and with this one you can actually tell which end is which. BONUS!!

Bumper · 06-20-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by sctx

Yeah Bump, between you and the Lakers loss, I think they've been knocked back down to earth !

What with the San Andreas, I'm not altogether convinced the earth is the best place to be in California, especially in LA - cereal capital of the world (What ain't fruits and nuts...is flakes!). BA-DUM-BUM!!

tommy · 06-20-2004

Bumper....Thank you for making fun of someone else for a change....I started calling Donna sis there for awhile and she didnt like it. you was givin me one of them there complex's or sumpin like that....Now if yall scuse me Dallas is coming on the boob tube and Im out of lone star...

Nerak936 · 06-20-2004

Thanks for the avatar accolades, chums!

When I saw it, it reminded me of how I plan to buy THE best hammock made in all of Playa when I (someday) buy myself a nice little house (gotta be little with prices as they are here in Mass.!)

MikeW · 06-24-2004

OUCH . . .

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

1. One of your co-workers has 8 body piercing’s, and none of them are visible.

I didn't know that, how did you found out?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

2. You earn over $250,000 a year and still can’t afford a decent house.

True

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

3. You are surprised to overhear 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

Not true.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

4. Your child’s third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

So.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

5. You can’t remember...is pot legal?

Well, is it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

6. You’ve been to a baby shower for a child with two mothers and a sperm donor.

I thought they were sisters.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

7. You have a very strong opinion on where your coffee beans are grown and can detect the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

Wrong state, that's Washington.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

Freshest what?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

9. Finding a really great parking space can move you to tears.

You're not in California much are you. We have lots of parking, not enough freeways.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

10. You find nothing wrong with a low speed pursuit interrupting ANY television program.

Yeah I do, thanks O.J for starting this trend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

11. Gasoline costs 75 cents more than anywhere else in North America.

No kidding, it's 'cause we have to add a bunch of Canadian made chemicals to it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

12. A man is in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps. You don’t even notice.

You're right, I didn't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

13. The guy in the baseball cap in Starbucks at 8:30 AM, who looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.

You saw him too?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

14. Your car insurance costs as much as your mortgage payment.

Does not. My car insurance is much higher.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

I knew she was into S&M.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

16. It’s sprinkling and there’s a special report on every all-news station about “STORM WATCH 2004".

Too true.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

17. You have to leave the big annual company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:30 PM Tae Bo class at your gym.

No, I leave anyways, any meeting is boring.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

True

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

19. It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early in a vain attempt to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

True

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

20. You AND your dog have therapists.

True

06-20-2004	#1 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 14,212	FORUM FUN FEATURE!! California bashing As a service to my chum Scotty, who inquired on another thread as to why I seem to be picking on Southerners, to the exclusion of other folks - like Californians, here's a little something. Any other special requests? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN CALIFORNIA? 1. One of your co-workers has 8 body piercing’s, and none of them are visible. 2. You earn over $250,000 a year and still can’t afford a decent house. 3. You are surprised to overhear 2 people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child’s third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 5. You can’t remember...is pot legal? 6. You’ve been to a baby shower for a child with two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion on where your coffee beans are grown and can detect the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. 9. Finding a really great parking space can move you to tears. 10. You find nothing wrong with a low speed pursuit interrupting ANY television program. 11. Gasoline costs 75 cents more than anywhere else in North America. 12. A man is in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps. You don’t even notice. 13. The guy in the baseball cap in Starbucks at 8:30 AM, who looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney. 14. Your car insurance costs as much as your mortgage payment. 15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 16. It’s sprinkling and there’s a special report on every all-news station about “STORM WATCH 2004". 17. You have to leave the big annual company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:30 PM Tae Bo class at your gym. 18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. 19. It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early in a vain attempt to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 20. You AND your dog have therapists.

06-20-2004	#5 (permalink)
Lil G añejo Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,116	cali You're killin' me here...

06-20-2004	#6 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 14,212	Just to throw a little more fuel on the fire, I remembered the following little tidbit I had squirreled away. After this, I suspect I may have lost the few friends I ever had in The Sunshine State. What do you think, Scotty, enough beating on those poor Californians for a while? Los Angeles Driver’s License Application Name:_______________________ Stage Name:_____________________ Agent:_______________________ Attorney:_______________________ Sex: Male __ Female__ Formerly Male__ Formerly Female__ Both__ If female, indicate breast implant size:___ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to operate your motor vehicle in any way? YES:___ NO:___ Please list brand and model of your cell phone:______________________ If you don’t have a cell phone, please explain:______________________ Please check hair colour: Females: Blonde;( ) Platinum Blonde;( ) Teenagers: Purple ( ) Blue ( ) Skinhead ( ) Please indicate activities you perform while driving: check more than one if necessary. ( ) Eating ( ) Applying makeup ( ) Talking on the phone ( ) Slapping kids in the back seat ( ) Having sex ( ) Applying cellulite treatment to thighs ( ) Tanning (X) Snorting cocaine (Already checked for your convenience) ( ) Watching TV ( ) Reading Variety magazine ( ) Surfing the net on your laptop Please indicate how many times: a) You expect to shoot at other drivers:____ b) You expect to be shot at while driving:____ Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week:____ Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Lithium d) Zanax e) Valium f) Queludes If none of the above, please explain; ___________________________ What is the length of your daily commute? a) 1 hour b) 2 hours c) 3 hours d) 4 hours or more TEST: Please indicate the correct answer If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately; a) Call the police to report the crime b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the TV in the high-speed chase. c) Call your attorney: discuss the possibility of launching a lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not getting through. d) Call your therapist In the event of an earthquake, you should; a) Stop your car. b) Keep driving and hope for the best. c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all your loved ones. d) Pull out your video camera and get some footage to sell to Channel 4 News. In the event of rain, you should; a) Never drive over 5 MPH. b) Drive twice as fast as usual c) You’re not sure what “rain” is. When stopped by police, you should; a) Pull over and have your driver’s licence and insurance documents ready b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the Pacific Coast Highway c) Have your video camera ready and try to provoke them to attack, ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit. __________________ Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!" Last edited by Bumper; 06-20-2004 at 06:46 PM..

06-20-2004	#13 (permalink)
tommy Rastaman Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Austin Tx Posts: 12,845	Bumper....Thank you for making fun of someone else for a change....I started calling Donna sis there for awhile and she didnt like it. you was givin me one of them there complex's or sumpin like that....Now if yall scuse me Dallas is coming on the boob tube and Im out of lone star... Last edited by sun seekers; 06-20-2004 at 10:56 PM..

06-20-2004	#2 (permalink)
Critter añejo Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Cerca de Washington DC Posts: 3,343	Ahhh the life of glamor!

06-20-2004	#3 (permalink)
TAPPY añejo Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 21,148	This is waaaaayyyy funny (isnt that how they talk)

06-20-2004	#7 (permalink)
Nerak936 añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore of Baahhstun, Massachusetts Posts: 23,227	Like, oh my gaaaaawd, there's just so much to read here!! I'll have to, like, go sit down somewhere really comfy and, like, have my Slurpee....... I am, like, SO stressed!! (Do you like my hair???????)

06-20-2004	#8 (permalink)
TAPPY añejo Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 21,148	Hee hee !!!! Karen you are killing me !!! Love the new pic !!!!! Tiggy dreaming of Playa

06-20-2004	#9 (permalink)
denisea Forum Goddess Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: On the road to ruins... Posts: 7,207	Karen, your new avatar is a keeper. I love it!

06-20-2004	#11 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 14,212	Dandy new avatar, Karen, and with this one you can actually tell which end is which. BONUS!!

06-20-2004	#14 (permalink)
Nerak936 añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore of Baahhstun, Massachusetts Posts: 23,227	Thanks for the avatar accolades, chums! When I saw it, it reminded me of how I plan to buy THE best hammock made in all of Playa when I (someday) buy myself a nice little house (gotta be little with prices as they are here in Mass.!)

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