excuses for delaying release of the 2005 Playa.Info

[james]

I was in the middle of a huge school of 2m long tarpon this morning, holding my exhale at 60' of depth to get as close as possible to them. It was amazing to be so close to so many huge fish like that... they were almost accepting my presence as we drifted together in the current a bit. They didn't seem to notice the turtle that passed beneath us. As I finally released my breath, the bubbles exposed beyond any doubt that I didn't belong, and the tarpon moved on with their business. During this, embarrassingly, my first tarpon dive of the season, I realized that it's good to let your priorities shift and enjoy your surroundings. Holding off on a breath for a longer glimpse or enjoying the day instead of staying in the office to code the last details of a new product launch. Guilty as charged.

[tommy]

thanks for the Info James...Im sure many as I have wanted to ask what the Hell was going on with the upgrades....But were Worried about your Quirky writing style...Now that we know what you were really up to.....I understand and feel obligated to wait...What you did before I had lunch is only a true sign that You my friend are living a good life...Now get to those upgrades...Its all we have to do until we get back down there!!!

[sctx]

Damn, last time I checked it was June 2004 ... that year sure went fast
Get it up and running by September and I'll drop off some more Shiner Bocks

[james]

I decided to call it the 2005 model so that it would never really be late unless I totally blew it.

[local8]

Originally Posted by sctx

Damn, last time I checked it was June 2004 ... that year sure went fast

I guess james is taking playa-info in the same direction as new cars and video games - putting out the 2005 models in the middle of 2004...

[tommy]

It still might be 2005....

[Mikey]

Any Pictures of the huge school of Tarpons?

[james]

yep. in our reef diving article. Not the best shot, but you get the idea. Imagine 100 of those big silver fish, each nearly 4-6' in length, fat, arms length away. Surrounding you. Very cool.

[Entilzha]

You did the right thing.

With the future expansion of your gene pool, the only thing I can suggest is to max out on those excursions and outings before he/she comes into your lives. They do change your life and for a while they'll be the toughest boss you'll ever have.

[TAPPY]

Entilzha - you got that right !!!

This is a great site James.........I can only handle change in small amounts anyway....ha !!!

Thanks for all your hard work James !!!

[Bumper]

Yo James, perhaps this might help. Mostly.

How To Install Software - a 12 Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of a computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
2386 Processor or Higher
628.8 Megahertz Modem
719.7 MB Free Disk Space
3546 MB Ram
43223 MB Rom
05948737 MB RPM
Antilock Braking System
2 Turtle Doves

Note: This software will not work on your computer

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This publication will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5 inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn’s early light, the true North strong and free, finders keepers, losers weepers, thank’s you’ve been a great crowd, and don’t forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged three through twelve and say “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.”

5. If you do not have a child aged three through twelve, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again, type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on the screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to determine what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is this acceptable? Choose one, and be honest:

YES □ SURE □ OKAY □

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God-knows-what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structure, so that when they’re done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like; “puree.exe”, “fester.dat”, and “doo.wha.”

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS:

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your new software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond, even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package, and wait interminably on the line for a service representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged three through twelve.

[Rainman]

Bumper you out did yourself on this one. This was funnyer than a 3-12 watching a person over 40 trying to use a computer. I think you just helped me get into the world record book for blowing the largest snot bubble of laughter out my nose.

Rainman

[Bumper]

James;

I though you might find the following of some interest, considering your current undertaking.

Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...R ing...Ring...Ring....Ring....Ring...Ring...Ring
Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...R ing...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring....Ring...Ring... .Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available representative. Current waiting time is now estimated at somewhere between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please enter your 58 digit product identification code on the keypad of your touch tone phone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found engraved in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security reasons, it is printed in the smallest possible typeface to prevent being seen by the naked eye. Please note that you may need a size 11 3/4 Torx screwdriver, which is only available from the original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you remain at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have on hand all your floppy discs, CD-ROM discs, computer manuals and original packing materials, in order to allow the technician to aid you, in the unlikely event he ever gets around to handling your call.

If you have been an inconsiderate, thoughtless jerk - we mean forgetful customer - and have discarded your original packaging materials, contact the company who supplied your computer and ask them to re-send you the empty box with the plastic bubble wrap, fake popcorn and the wasteful paper advertising that they re-cycle. We will be glad to hold your place in line on the phone, while you wait several days for your boxes to be delivered. (Yeah, right!)

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing uncontrollably while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscenities, or uttering thinly-veiled threats, will cause you to be disconnected immediately and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only with our organization, but with every other electronics-related company in the industrialized world. (We all talk, you know)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral “1" on your telephone touch pad. If not, press the numeral “2". If you are not sure, using the letters on your telephone touch pad, spell out the phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.” Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer, because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will likely be too senile to use it anyway.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all our service technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add a minimum of three hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. If the screen of my monitor is dark, is it possible I have neglected to plug in the computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible source of assistance before imposing on the sacred, last-resort only telephone help line option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted all my manuals?
5. Have I read the “Read-Me” notice on the floppy disc?
6. Have I contacted my know-it-all geek cousin, who I can’t stand, but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
7. Have I given the Central Processing Unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you cannot honestly answer “Yes” to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our over-worked service technicians can assist those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than your trivial concerns. You should be genuinely experiencing severe difficulties, rather than merely being so bored that you have to call Technical Support just to have someone to talk to about computer geek stuff.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of CD-ROM titles you may wish to acquire, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet at twice the normal speed. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in the line for Technical Support, in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our system is currently experiencing an overload status, and unfortunately you have lost your place in the priority sequence. Press “1" on your telephone touch pad if you would care to be re-connected to Technical Support.

“1"

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our state-of-the-art interactive electronic sensors indicate you are about to slump over dead from a massive attack of frustration, combined with severe dehydration from lack of water. Before this takes place, please take a moment to replace your telephone receiver back in its cradle and switch off your computer, so as not to damage its internal components.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support, so we must regretfully remove you from our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage, and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical difficulties arise.

[Critter]

Bumber you have once again brought a smile to this face, I will now take my coffee cup from my built in cup holder and salute you.

[Critter]

James,

What are the two fish in the first picture of the reef experience page? The one's with their mouth wide open.