How male & female definitions differ....

[Critter]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female......Any part under a car's hood.

Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.



2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..........Playing football without a cup.



3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.



4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)

Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.



5. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)

Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.



6. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)

Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male...........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.



7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)

Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[tommy]

you nailed it!

[TAPPY]

Dont get me started on this one, I got more list than Bumper does on Cats for this subject !!!!


What a Guy Really Means When He Says...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by TAPPY

Dont get me started on this one, I got more list than Bumper does on Cats for this subject !!!!

Tappy:

I just checked my file, and I have 59 entries under Men/Women, including the one Critter used to start this thread, and the one you just posted. I've had WAY too much time on my hands over the years. I wasn't going to post any of them, but I can if you would like some new material to add to your files? Some of them are quite clever, while others tend to run a bit to the crude side, so I wouldn't be posting those in any case. Must maintain our high moral standards, after all.

EDIT:

You got me to thinking, Tappy, so I did some analysis of the material I've got stowed away for indiscriminate use. I've actually used some of this stuff in threads already, but the rest of it is lurking in the wings under these classifications:

Animals - 38 entries, Booze - 13, Business - 88, Business Machines - 19,
Christmas - 32, Lists - 26, Miscellaneous - 305, Puns - 42, Sex - 23, Shaggy Dogs - 11, Sports - 23, Tests & Exams - 20, Words & Definitions - 29.

Quite a pile of junk, and new entries being added all the time. What was that old saying about "Never pick a fight with a person who buys ink by the barrel." The collecting process is kinda' fun though. Man, I gotta' get a life!

[TAPPY]

59 !!!!!!

Keep on posting Bumper !!!
I like your style !!!!!

(I have some of those crude ones as well but thought I might get in trouble if I posted those)

[Critter]

Your's made perfect sense to me Tappy, I don't understand the problem


....yes dear

[Bumper]

Here's one for you.


A SHOWER

How to take a shower like a woman:

1. Remove the six layers of clothing you put on this morning, because there was a distinct chill in the air, due to the temperature falling below 80 degrees. Place the soiled clothing in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing floor-length dressing gown and towel wrapped around head. If you encounter your boyfriend / husband along the way, immediately cover up any exposed flesh, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and hurry to the bathroom.
3. Gaze at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut, so you can complain and whine even more about how fat you’re getting.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, if you can find it through all the steam.
6. Locate face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with Body Shop Fully Organic Never Tested On Animals conditioner with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red and raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize your boyfriend / husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must be sure it has all come off).
15. Consider shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can’t be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick back hair and pretend you’re Bo Derek in 10.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend / husband flushes the toilet and you’re hit by a rush of scalding water.
18. Rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
21. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails / tweezers if found.
22. Return to bedroom wearing floor-length dressing gown and towel on head. If you encounter your boyfriend / husband along the way, immediately cover any exposed flesh, ignore his juvenile turban gags, and rush to bedroom.



How to shower like a man:

1. Remove all clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and leave them there in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you encounter your girlfriend / wife along the way, flash her.
3. Gaze at your manly physique in the mirror, and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. You do not. Admire the size of your penis. Scratch your butt.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again...still none.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don’t use one).
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your crotch.
11. Wash your butt.
12. Crack up laughing at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
13. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
14. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
15. Open the shower door and look at yourself in the mirror.
16. Pee.
17. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Overlook the water on the floor caused by your having left the shower curtain out of the tub the whole time.
18. Partially dry yourself off.
19. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire penis again.
20. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
21. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you encounter your girlfriend / wife, flash her.

[cuffedlinks]

Originally Posted by Bumper

Here's one for you.


A SHOWER

How to take a shower like a woman:

7. Wash your hair once with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Body Shop Premium Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

The old lather - rinse - repeat gag...
Gets you to use up your supply 2 or 3 times faster...

As for me Bump...

I've been using this "body building" shampoo...

I expect to look like Streck in a month or so....

[TAPPY]

We all know how TRUE that post really is Bumper !!!


Complain bitterly when you realize your boyfriend / husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake body wash.
(If only I would learn to cook maybe this would not happen

Critter , sounds like you know the rules !!!!

[Critter]

30 years with "she who must be obeyed"

[TAPPY]

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance - particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0
is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You
Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[highdark]

How true, grumpy silence, snoring loudly.... Of course my personal favorites are what I like to call "selective memory" and my all time favorite "leaving the toilet seat up ALL THE TIME" - this really freaks me out, especially when the cat drinks out of the toilet and drapes his body over the ledge - ewwwww!!!

[Critter]

What you ladies don't understand is that it is definately much worse if we leave the seat down. Marksman we are not!!

[Bumper]

Gotta keep this going, so here's another.

Assorted Stuff

Romance Arithmetic
Smart man + Smart woman = Romance
Smart man + Dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + Smart woman = Marriage
Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

Office Arithmetic
Smart boss + Smart employee = Profit
Smart boss + Dumb employee = Production
Dumb boss + Smart employee = Promotion
Dumb boss + Dumb employee = Overtime

Shopping Arithmetic
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t need.

General Equations and Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him completely and love him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her completely and not try to understand her at all.

Longevity
Single men live longer than married men because they want to.

Propensity To Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he won’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that point is merely the beginning of a new argument.

How To Stop People From Bugging You About Getting Married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[highdark]

Hey, I didn't say to leave the seat down when you use it, but after you're done!!!!!!!!! And by the way, what's up with the marksman problem anyway....is it lack of attention or what???
Also, Bumper, I love the shopping arithmetic - that is absolutely true!
Another take on longevity that I heard is "why do men die off before their wives?...because they want to!!!"