FORUM FUN FEATURE!! Buying a Used Couch

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Every now and then, there is a question posted by a prospective condo owner, or potential immigrant to Playa, about purchasing furniture to outfit their new residence. Perhaps these few hints might prove useful.

49 Reasons Not To Buy A Used Couch

The owner says:

1. “That stain is the best fifty bucks I ever made.”
2. “Have you had your shots?”
3. “If you find any fingers in there, pack ‘em in ice and give me a call.”
4. “It’s almost dry, but you may need to wring out the cushions.”
5. “It was a present to my great Aunt Elma after her bladder surgery.”
6. “It fell off a truck. At least I figure it did, since we found it beside the highway.”
7. “You can have those Fritos.”
8. “I once spent ten days tied to this couch.”
9. “It’s non-flammable, unless you really try.”
10. “It should be pretty clean. We hosed the worst of it off.”
11. “Watch that spring. It gave me a few nasty scars.”
12. “It can even float for almost an hour.”
13. “You like the smell of beer, don’t you?”
14. “It’s not really supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough.”
15. “I guess olive and orange were popular colours back then.”
16. “It used to be a lot longer.”
17. “You’ll need the brick to keep it level, unless you’ve got a saw.”
18. “The Salvation Army and Goodwill wouldn’t take it.”
19. “I wouldn’t smoke near it.”
20. “You can’t hardly tell where they barfed.”
21. “The fire hardly touched it on this side.”
22. “It only smells that way when it’s humid.”


You make any of the following observations:

1. There’s a large red tag on it marked “Evidence”.
2. The cushions begin crawling away.
3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a “Vote Nixon” bumper stiker.
4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
5. What you assumed was powdered sugar from a doughnut seems to be moving.
6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.
7. The current owner seems to be scratching himself rather frequently.
8. The owner appears reluctant to actually sit on it or come in contact with it.
9. A tag on the back says: “Property of Harbour Light Mission.”
10. It has its own nickname.
11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
12. More than 100 people know its nickname from a story in a local tabloid newspaper.
13. Someone appears to have constructed a beer can holder in the armrest using a hacksaw, cutting torch, and glue gun.
14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.
15. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes in the seat.
16. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
17. It growls when you sit on it.
18. It has a faint smell of ammonia.
19. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a highway flasher barricade, and a portion of railroad crossing gate.
20. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
21. There’s a coin slot in the armrest.
22. There are labels in various spots saying: “No Step”.
23. The owner occasionally stops to pick things off of it and taste them.
24. It appears to have been spray painted its present colour.
25. You hear scampering noises inside.
26. The owner offers to throw in a free:
- Can of Lysol
- Can of Raid
- Fly swatter
- Flea collar
- Ant trap
- Vial of penicillin
27. Under the cushions you find:
- Half a bottle of ketchup
- Empty shotgun shells
- An entire squirrel skeleton
- Jimmy Hoffa’s wallet
- A glass eye
- Ticket stubs from the 1939 World’s Fair
- A muffler from a ‘72 Dodge