FORUM FUN FEATURE!! Snappy Comeback

[Bumper]

Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in Neepawa, the kind of town where you shave and the trolley stops (or would stop, if there was a trolley in town), and he had never seen a circus before. Anyway, as the day the circus was to arrive drew near, the young man grew more and more excited. He arrived at the fair grounds before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours before the performance was to start. Finally, the show got underway. The trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring exhibition, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed.

At last, the clowns made their entrance in full regalia and pastel wigs. They rode around by the dozen in a bright yellow Volkswagen. The Bug pulled up to the centre of the main ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, enormous red freckles, and a purple nose advanced to the podium. “Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?”

The fellow looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat! The young man stood up. The clown said, “Wel-l-l-l, there’s the horse’s ass, now where’s the rest of the horse?”

The man stood dumbfounded for a moment, then made his way quickly through the crowd and out of the tent, followed by gales of laughter and derisive calls. Returning home, the youngster wept for days, mourning the loss of his dignity and honour. Eventually, reason overcame his humiliation, and the lad grew determined. “I’m not going to get mad, I’m going to get even, and avenge my honour, as well as that of my family, and all of Neepawa,” exclaimed the man.

He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Manitoba correspondence courses and started to read of the many educational opportunities he could take advantage of to improve himself. Eventually, he came across the course outline for a class in “Quick Wit Retorts”. It advertised, “Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your benefit, now!” So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course program and study guide. In a few weeks, the man had mastered the materials, and submitted the final exam to the school. Much to his surprise, within a few days a registered letter arrived from the President of the U of M. It read:

Dear sir;

We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retorts 101. We would be most gratified if you would visit our school and consider attending the University of Manitoba to complete your degree at our fine academic institution. Enclosed is a cheque to cover your expenses.


To make a long story short, the young man made straight A’s in the QWR program of studies. He was awarded numerous distinctions and honours, and when he graduated, the commencement speaker, Prime Minister Paul Martin, awarded him with the Lieutenant Governor’s Medal For Outstanding Achievement In Quick Wit Retorts.

Some weeks later, Harvard University sent a Lear Jet to bring the man to Massachusetts for an interview. The graduate school’s admissions officer didn’t mince words. “If you complete your Masters / Doctoral tenured track program in QWR at Harvard, you will never have to worry about money, or professional standing again. We want you here at our institution and are willing to offer you a 100% scholarship for the full term of your studies.”

Needless to say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge. In five years, the man had completed his doctorate. By this time, and through the articles he had published in professional journals, he was known throughout the world as the pre-eminent authority and practitioner of Quick Wit Retorts. Word of his successes had even reached Neepawa, which made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon Pundits to Wall Street Wizards to Washington Wordsmiths consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.

One day, while sitting at his desk reading the Neepawa newspaper, the man noted that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the man’s face. “Siegfried,” called the man to his assistant, “we must get home to Manitoba. Have them prepare the jet.” As the plane crossed the western prairie, the man savored the moment of victory and revenge that was soon to be his.

The man arrived at the fairgrounds very early, making sure he could get a ticket for section A, row Y, seat 42. Finally, the performance got underway. The trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring exhibition, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed.

At last, the clown made their entrance in full regalia and pastel wigs. They rode around by the dozen in a bright yellow Volkswagen. The Bug pulled up to the centre of the main ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, big red freckles, and a purple nose advanced to the podium. “Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42, please stand up?” The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready. He rose to his feet. The clown said, “Wel-l-l-l-l, there’s the horse’s ass, now where’s the rest of the horse?”

The man drew himself up to his full height, filled with confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine, “OH YEAH!! WELL SCREW YOU, CLOWN!!!”

[Critter]

Back to the drawing board bump.

[Bumper]

What's the problem, Crit? You're an animal lover. What have you got against shaggy dogs? (Love the new avatar, by the way. Sort of gives new meaning to "The lights on, but nobody's home.)

[Critter]

Ouch <img src=http://www.deephousepage.com/smilies/azcrying.gif> and here I was {sniff} just trying to say {sniff} that it wasn't your best {sniff} work.

[angella]

sorry, crit, but bumper had me sittin' back in my chair, silently snickering to myself.

[Critter]

It was too obvious. Punch line was programed from the second paragraph.

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by Critter

It was too obvious. Punch line was programed from the second paragraph.

Oh, so you want subtle and obscure, eh? Okay, buddy, lemme see what I can do. Now where did I leave that dusty old tome.....?

[Critter]

Waiting, hidding behind the couch.....

[Bumper]

Okay, Crit, You asked for it. By the way, if you find any change in the cushions of that couch...it's mine.


A prospector was combing the hills for gold. Determined to make his fortune, he spent months following the rugged trails up and down the mountainside. One such day, he was making his way wearily up one of the mountain paths. He heard a voice call out, “Hello, hello.” He turned to his mule and asked, “Was that you, Bessie? Did you say something?” Bessie didn’t reply and he turned to continue his trek. “Hello, hello, up there”

The prospector looked around again. He noticed a snake on a nearby rock. “Was that you talking to me?”

“Yes it was. Nate the Snake, glad to meet you.”

Now the prospector was no fool. He knew what a valuable rarity he had here and he had soon hatched a scheme. He discussed it with Nate, who quickly agreed.

The prospector built a roadside stand to house Nate, and advertised him widely as the world’s only talking snake. People came from far and wide to talk to Nate the Snake. The reptile was very intelligent, well-read, a gifted raconteur, and an engaging conversationalist. They made a significant fortune in a short time.

Now, the Department of Defense decided they needed to build a lever that would control a weapon system that would destroy the entire world. And they decided the ideal place to locate this lever was on a piece of property right across the street from Nate’s establishment. Even more people came from all over the globe, first to see Nate and then to look at the lever that could end the world. Folks would visit Nate and they all seemed to want to discuss the lever with him. One night, Nate decided it was about time he went to see this lever for himself. After all, if he was expected to comment intelligently about it, he should have some first-hand knowledge. He got down from his terrarium and slithered out the door. A car was speeding down the road Nate had to cross. He was driving too fast. The driver saw Nate. He turned. He saw the lever that would end the world. He turned back. He saw Nate. He swerved. He saw the lever. He swerved. He ran over Nate, killing the talented snake instantly. People were outraged. Geraldo hosted a broadcast from the scene of the tragedy. The public was appalled and infuriated. The driver was brought before a judge.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” asked the judge.

“I’m so sorry. I saw Nate. I saw the lever. I had to make a split-second decision. I thought to myself...it was better Nate than lever.”

[Critter]

BA-DA-BING..... back on form

PS I only found a tuppence.