dumb joke - got one? - Page 11

Critter · 10-02-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by STOGEY

So critter, you're saying that I have to wait til next tuesday to get the puch line of how do you make a blonde laugh on friday?

Naw man, you will have to wait until thnext time you are in the area so I can draw you a map

mckinzie · 10-02-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by Critter

Naw man, you will have to wait until thnext time you are in the area so I can draw you a map

Good evening John

RuthL · 10-03-2004

Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake!"

geraldh · 10-04-2004

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it.
Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the big-city doctor.

The doctor let them look at a children's book about where babies come from, but to no avail.

He tried his own explanation, but was met with blank stares.

Exasperated, the doctor took them to his private office and showed them a porno movie.

This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I just have one question: how many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?"

SeekinaBeach · 10-04-2004

Barb

SeekinaBeach · 10-04-2004

How to spot a rich guy:

Softy57 · 10-04-2004

You know,the whole reason for STOGEY missing the point is his famous "speed reading". This same clever tactic once cost him 60$ for clicking onto a site for all of 10-20 minutes.

He sped read the fine print that said it cost 4$ a min. or whatever.

He was lucky,some sites cost 50$ 1st click. Buyer Beware!

Let the sun shine.

Critter · 10-04-2004

Not to worry I missed the punch line the first time as well

geraldh · 10-05-2004

A man walks into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier with a beautiful woman on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes to the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, he returns. The storeowner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" "I just had to come by," grinned the man, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

geraldh · 10-05-2004

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
<FON size="4" T face="Arial" color="blue">Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on">Hoover</st1:City>?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a <st1:State w:st="on">Texas</st1:State> Tornado And a <st1:State w:st="on">Tennessee</st1:State> Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Lil G · 10-09-2004

A mushroom walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a beer. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve mushrooms here". The mushroom says "Oh come on I'm a fun gi".

**SunKneeMarie** · 11-14-2004

My dad sent this to me and I thought it was fitting for this old thread:
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed and cursed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

**Bumper** · 11-14-2004

ATTITUDE

Assign each letter in the alphabet a number, representing a percentage, A = 1, B = 2 etc. If you add up the numerical values of the letters of the alphabet in the word “Attitude”, this is the result:

A = 1
T = 20
T = 20
I = 9
T = 20
U = 21
D = 4
E = 5
________

ATTITUDE = 100%

Big Kahuna · 11-15-2004

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of
talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone,
"Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You
are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!</pre>

Sue · 11-16-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

ATTITUDE

Assign each letter in the alphabet a number, representing a percentage, A = 1, B = 2 etc. If you add up the numerical values of the letters of the alphabet in the word “Attitude”, this is the result:

A = 1
T = 20
T = 20
I = 9
T = 20
U = 21
D = 4
E = 5
________

ATTITUDE = 100%

Sigh. That is sooooo seminar-y! But the word does have "tit" in it!!!

10-04-2004	#155 (permalink)
SeekinaBeach toe in water Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Illinois Posts: 42	Do pictures count? Barb

10-04-2004	#156 (permalink)
SeekinaBeach toe in water Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Illinois Posts: 42	How about this one? How to spot a rich guy:

10-04-2004	#157 (permalink)
Softy57 añejo Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Massachusetts,U.S.A. Posts: 1,701	See what I deal with?? You know,the whole reason for STOGEY missing the point is his famous "speed reading". This same clever tactic once cost him 60$ for clicking onto a site for all of 10-20 minutes. He sped read the fine print that said it cost 4$ a min. or whatever. He was lucky,some sites cost 50$ 1st click. Buyer Beware! Let the sun shine.

10-05-2004	#160 (permalink)
geraldh way into it Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 190	1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? <FON size="4" T face="Arial" color="blue">Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on">Hoover</st1:City>? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a <st1:State w:st="on">Texas</st1:State> Tornado And a <st1:State w:st="on">Tennessee</st1:State> Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Last edited by geraldh; 10-05-2004 at 12:46 PM..

11-15-2004	#164 (permalink)
Big Kahuna añejo Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: In a land far far away Posts: 1,590	Thanksgiving is for Family An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!</pre>

10-03-2004	#153 (permalink)
RuthL way into it Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 116	Dangerous Food A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water." "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"

10-04-2004	#154 (permalink)
geraldh way into it Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 190	A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the big-city doctor. The doctor let them look at a children's book about where babies come from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation, but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, the doctor took them to his private office and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I just have one question: how many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?"

10-04-2004	#158 (permalink)
Critter añejo Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Cerca de Washington DC Posts: 3,343	Not to worry I missed the punch line the first time as well

10-05-2004	#159 (permalink)
geraldh way into it Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 190	A man walks into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier with a beautiful woman on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes to the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, he returns. The storeowner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" "I just had to come by," grinned the man, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

10-09-2004	#161 (permalink)
Lil G añejo Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 2,415	A mushroom walks into a bar. Sits down and orders a beer. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve mushrooms here". The mushroom says "Oh come on I'm a fun gi".

11-14-2004	#162 (permalink)
SunKneeMarie character encapsulator Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 27,742	My dad sent this to me and I thought it was fitting for this old thread: -------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed and cursed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

11-14-2004	#163 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 10,190	ATTITUDE Assign each letter in the alphabet a number, representing a percentage, A = 1, B = 2 etc. If you add up the numerical values of the letters of the alphabet in the word “Attitude”, this is the result: A = 1 T = 20 T = 20 I = 9 T = 20 U = 21 D = 4 E = 5 ________ ATTITUDE = 100%

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