dumb joke - got one?

[Sue]

Most people have heard these:

What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?
They both have boys' pants half-off.

How do you know when Michael Jackson has a hot date?
There's a BigWheel parked in the driveway.

What time is bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

Sorry. Now those are dumb.

[roni]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally
they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of
course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her
about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally
mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with
a bunch of Tater Tots, Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into
the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she
wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out
for the hard-boiled ! guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate
with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the
tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all
they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to
marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she
couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just....

a common tater

[Susie Q Roo]

What did the fella in the nursing home say when they asked him, "Boxers or Briefs?"
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"Depends."

[Sue]

Some potatoes are standing on the street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?
The one that has the sign that says "Idaho."

What kind of cheese isn't your own?
Nacho cheese.

[SunKneeMarie]

Originally Posted by roni

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she
couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just....

a common tater

That is a serious slew of potato puns....

[Critter]

"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"
"It's the worst job I ever had."
"How long have you been there?"
"About three months."
"So why don't you quit?"
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home!"

[Critter]

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news programme. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. But in the interview for the post, they asked him the one question he was dreading: "What was the reason for you leaving your last job?"

Hopkins replied, "The climate didn't agree with me."

[Critter]

Q:Why do people become bakers?
A:Because they knead the dough!

A television weatherman was involved in an accident, and broke both his arms and both legs.
He had to call in from hospital to explain about the four casts.

An official stopped me in the hospital car park to tell me "You can't park here. It's badge holders only"
"But I have got a bad shoulder!" I replied.

Superficial - Sort of like an official, but much much better at his job.

Today, I had a patient who had two carrots up his nose, a radish in one ear and a stick of celery in the other ear.
He said, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
I told him, "That's because you're not eating right."

Should I continue?

[SunKneeMarie]

Please do... and may I say, you are right on track with the topic....

[Bumper]

Well, you asked for it. And you better hope I can restrain myself once I get started. It'll be tough though...lots of momentum, and volumes of ammunition.

The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He’s met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We’ve heard a lot about you. Unfortunately, I have to tell you Paradise is pretty much full up right now. Until our current condo development is completed, space is at a real premium, so we’ve had to raise the bar a little as far as the standards go for admission. We now administer an entrance exam for all hopeful applicants. The test is fairly short, but it’s tough, and you’ll need to pass before you can be admitted to Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about no entrance exam. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions;

1. What days of the week begin with the letter “T”?
2. How many seconds are there in a year.
3. What is God’s first name?

Forrest goes away to think about his responses. He returns the next day and approaches Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up to the gate and says, “Now that you’ve had a chance to think over the questions, Forrest, give me you answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week start with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asks Saint Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest. “But I thunk and I thunk about it and I allow as the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, Saint Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heavens name can you come to the conclusion that there’s only twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest replies, “Well shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...”

“Hold it, “ interrupts Saint Peter. ”I can see where you’re going with this, and I guess I see your point. Though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, I’ll give you credit for that one too. Let’s go on to the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”

Without hesitation, Forrest answered, “Andy.”

“Okay, okay,” said a frustrated Saint Peter. “I guess I can understand how you arrived at your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with Andy as the first name of God?”

“That was the easiest of all,“ Forrest replied. “I learned it from the song we used to sing in Sunday School...

“ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by sctx

an Irishman walks outta a pub

I love this one, my grandparents are Irish. I don't know if my grandpap ever even did that......

[RuthL]

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ta-kill-ya shots.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing with which to wipe so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties".

"That's nothing" said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.

[Critter]

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

Two monkeys stumbled into a wall. They were plastered!

What kind of television do horses like?
Saddle-lite TV

What kind of math class did the acorn take when it grew up?
Gee-I'm-a-tree!

What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down, and you've let the whole school down!

Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator?
Because he was General Electric.

#651

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."


Could have sworn I posted some of these earlier. Oh well here they are again.

[sctx]

Originally Posted by Ginger

I love this one, my grandparents are Irish. I don't know if my grandpap ever even did that......

Very subtle... but i think we need to update it now...

An Irishman walks outta a pub and doesn't light a cigarette

[TAPPY]

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
* You fall off the floor.
* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?
* Roseanne looks good.
* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.
* Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
* The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
* You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.
* Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.
* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.
* For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.
* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.
* You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
* You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
* You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.
* You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.