dumb joke - got one? - Page 26

playabum17 · 11-01-2005

The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?

le_meow · 11-01-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by playabum17

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The
egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

I gotta use that one some time.

bigdave · 11-01-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by playabum17

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

"And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!

"They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

that cowboy wore mediums.

sunnygrl · 11-04-2005

here's one: I got this from a friend of mine in.....Australia. I've heard it before, but got a chuckle.

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve,
Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said
to her,'You must be Steve's widow' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."<O:p</O:p

Babaloo · 11-16-2005

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. On a sudden
impulse, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and a booming voice said, "Because you have TRIED
to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you
think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what
they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly
happy."

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"

jx2 · 12-01-2005

The History of Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.!

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that
man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay
for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,
her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with
my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO

jx2 · 01-23-2006

New Law:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:PlaceName w:st="on">Minneapolis</st1:PlaceName> <st1:PlaceType w:st="on">City </st1:PlaceType>Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in <st1:State w:st="on">Minnesota</st1:State>.

Jacko · 02-02-2006

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it”.

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked “Son where are you going?” Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom that you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be da*ned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and NO bike!”

doggums · 02-02-2006

Two baby seals walk into a club.

Daddy B · 02-02-2006

What do you call a Jamaican with three feet?

A Yardie...

JudyBluEyes · 02-02-2006

THE COWBOY AND THE INDIAN

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?," pointing at Indian.
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day,feeds me great food. Takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? ," pointing at Indian.
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good. Rides me regularly, brushes me down often. Keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"
Indian: "Goats lie."

**SunKneeMarie** · 02-03-2006

An old one I hadn't heard in awhile:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred tos Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Jacko · 02-03-2006

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. Okay?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, Okay?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.......Maybe.\

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...It's really very simple.... Like you!

mckinzie · 02-03-2006

Your ugly and your momma dresses you funny!!!

horizon200 · 02-04-2006

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart!

11-01-2005	#376 (permalink)
playabum17 naughtiest chica Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Kansas, land of Ahs Posts: 16,164	The Bathtub It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

11-04-2005	#379 (permalink)
sunnygrl añejo Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: southern US Posts: 1,538	here's one: I got this from a friend of mine in.....Australia. I've heard it before, but got a chuckle. Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."<O:p</O:p

11-16-2005	#380 (permalink)
Babaloo añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Playa del Carmen Posts: 14,819	A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. On a sudden impulse, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and a booming voice said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"

12-01-2005	#381 (permalink)
jx2 añejo Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Pac. NW. Posts: 3,969	The History of Yodeling Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.! The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO

01-23-2006	#382 (permalink)
jx2 añejo Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Pac. NW. Posts: 3,969	New Law: With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:PlaceName w:st="on">Minneapolis</st1:PlaceName> <st1:PlaceType w:st="on">City </st1:PlaceType>Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in <st1:State w:st="on">Minnesota</st1:State>.

02-02-2006	#383 (permalink)
Jacko añejo Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 24,199	For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it”. The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked “Son where are you going?” Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom that you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be da*ned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and NO bike!”

02-02-2006	#384 (permalink)
doggums life=playa Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: minneapolis Posts: 627	Two baby seals walk into a club.

02-02-2006	#385 (permalink)
Daddy B añejo Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you Posts: 9,284	What do you call a Jamaican with three feet? A Yardie...

02-02-2006	#386 (permalink)
JudyBluEyes añejo Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Heading home..... (smile) Posts: 4,800	THE COWBOY AND THE INDIAN Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Indian: (Look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?," pointing at Indian. Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day,feeds me great food. Takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: (Look of total disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: (Extreme look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this your owner? ," pointing at Indian. Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good. Rides me regularly, brushes me down often. Keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Indian: (Total look of amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your goat?" Indian: "Goats lie."

02-03-2006	#387 (permalink)
SunKneeMarie character encapsulator Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 31,247	An old one I hadn't heard in awhile: A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred tos Daddy, Junior and the spooky. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

register to remove these adverts

02-03-2006	#388 (permalink)
Jacko añejo Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 24,199	Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. Okay? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! (scroll down) First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, Okay? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you? Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.......Maybe.\ Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He just has to open his mouth and ask...It's really very simple.... Like you!

02-03-2006	#389 (permalink)
mckinzie lightweight Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Highland Village,Tx (Kinz Standard Time) Posts: 13,572	Your ugly and your momma dresses you funny!!!

02-04-2006	#390 (permalink)
horizon200 añejo Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Delaware Posts: 6,332	What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a french kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart!