dumb joke - got one?

[Sue]

Originally Posted by Critter

#651

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

Critter, that is a LOT of typing, man.

[Critter]

Pssst Sue, have you ever heard of cut and paste?

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?
She wanted to be a nurse.

When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it's turned into the teacher.

What do flies wear on their feet?
Shoos.

What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.

I can keep going until you'll yell uncle....

[Bumper]

Okay, Crit...I'll see your bad jokes, and raise you the following groaners...


To begin this story, we must imagine an English castle under siege by a large part of the French army. Not only was the castle under siege, but huge scaling ladders were being built in full sight of the defenders. It looked bleak indeed for the English.

In the nick of time, one of the defenders, Sir Belvedere, offered to bring in a large family of jokesters he knew. The intent was to get the Frenchmen laughing so hard that they’d loose their grip and fall off the ladders as they attempted to swarm the castle.

“I don’t understand. How in the world can you do that?” asked the king.

“I have a punning clan, milord...”

***********************

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had instructed their two cubs not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests happened by, and the youthful lions could not resist the temptation to try out their recently acquired hunting skills. They ran after the animals, were successful in bringing them down, and began eating their prey.

Just as the juvenile lions were reaching the end of their meal, their parents appeared in the distance. One of the young lions turned to the other and said, “That’s the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions.”

********************

NASA has announced there are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first, only people would be sent to the station, followed by a selection of vegetation, then a variety of domesticated animals. The first animals to be sent up would be cows, who could provide not only milk for any babies born in the colony, but meat as well. Preliminary plans are to have an entire shipment made up solely of cattle. It will be the herd shot around the world.

****************************************

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the meal, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey, man, I’M A PANDA! Look it up!” The bartender opened up his dictionary and found the following definition for panda.

“A tree-dwelling animal of Asian origin, characterized by distinctive
black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves,”

[roni]

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.

[Critter]

Call you and raise you:

Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school?
Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

What do you say when a dog runs away?
Dog-gone!

Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?
Her batteries were dead.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo hoo?
It's just a joke -- you don't have to cry about it.

[Sue]

Okay - here's a bad one:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub! I'm dwowning!

[Critter]

Knock Knock
Who's There?
nunya
Who?
nunya business

[Sue]

How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: You wanna' go play ball?

How many men does it take to make popcorn?

Answer: About 5. One to hold the pot on the burner and the rest to shake the stove back and forth.

[Bumper]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
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Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

[Sue]

Originally Posted by Bumper

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
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Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

I was gonna' post that one!

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by Sue

I was gonna' post that one!

Ya' snooze...ya' lose, kid!

[Critter]

Knock Knock
Who's There?
olive
Who?
olive you (I love you)

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Ben
Who?
Ben Dover

[Sue]

Two tomatos are walking home from church with their son. They cross the street, and the little one doesn't get up onto the curb quickly enough, and a car runs him over. His parents turn back and yell "Ketch up!"

[mckinzie]

Math Problem

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None!" the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird,
he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"

[Sue]

Kinz, that one's awesome!

A kid is having problems with school, particularly math, and his parents decide that maybe he'd do better in the catholic school, so they transfer him. They notice that after he has started his new school, he takes his math book directly to his room, with a very serious expression on his face, and studies every night for hours. Finally, they ask him what's up. "I've got to do much better in math," he said. "I'm afraid they're going to nail me to the plus sign like they did that other guy."