Ms. Agnes McHolstein
46 Cash Ave.
Winnipeg, Mb.
December 14
Dearest John;
I went to the door this morning to discover the postman had delivered a “Partridge In a Pear Tree”. What a thoroughly delightful gift!! I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
December 15
Dearest John
Today the post man brought your sweet gift. Just imagine...2 turtle doves. I’m delighted at your thoughtful present. They are just adorable. All my love,
Agnes
December 16
Dear John
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one? Now, I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity...3 french hens! They really are darling, but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 17
Dear John
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really....they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18
Dearest John
What a surprise...today the postman delivered 5 golden rings...one for every finger. You are just impossible, but I LOVE IT. Frankly, all the squawking from the birds is starting to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes
December 19
Dear John
When I opened my door this morning, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are HUGE. Where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I’m having trouble sleeping through the racket. Please stop with the Goddamn livestock!!
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20
John
What’s with you and these freakin’ birds?? 7 Swans-a-swimming. What kind of Goddamn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and the noise never stops. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. IT’S NOT FUNNY!!! So stop with the freakin’ birds.....OKAY??
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21
OK Buster!!!
I think I prefer the birds. What the Hell am I going to do with 8 maids-a-milking?? It’s not enough with all the birds and milkmaids, but they had to bring their Goddamn cows. There’s shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. LAY OFF, A**HOLE!!
Agnes
December 22
Hey Shithead...
What are you...some kind of sadist?? Now there’s 9 pipers piping, and do they play crap!! They haven’t stopped chasing those milkmaids since they got here this morning. The cows are getting upset and stomping all over the screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have gotten up a petition to have me evicted.
You’ll get yours...
Agnes
December 23
You Rotten Jerk
Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call these sluts “ladies”, they’ve been humping the pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep, and furthermore, they all have diarrhea. My livingroom is a RIVER OF SHIT!! The Board of Health has subpoenaed me to appear before them and show cause why the building should not be condemned as an environmental health hazard. I’ve sworn out a warrant, and the police are after you.
One Who Means It,
Agnes
December 24
LISTEN DICKHEAD!!!!
What’s with the 11 lords-a-leaping?? And leaping is definitely what they’re doing...all over the maids and ladies. Some of those broads will NEVER walk again. Those horny pipers ran through all the maids and have been committing sodomy on the poor cows. All 23 birds are dead, trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, lousy. moth-eaten, pig-porkin’ moron. You are a vicious swine....
Your Sworn Enemy,
Agnes
December 25
Dear Sir;
This is to acknowledge the latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Agnes McHolstein. The result was predictable. A complete and total breakdown. Any future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Ms. McHolstein at her new residence, the Happy Vale Sanitorium, the staff have been instructed to take whatever measures are necessary to insure her security, up to and including deadly force. With this letter, please find attached a copy of the restraining order issued against you today in Provincial Court Of Queen’s Bench.
Squat & Leavitt
Attorneys at Law