FORUM FUN FEATURE!! My Gym Story

[Bumper]

As some of you will likely have noticed from passing comments in some other threads, I recently joined a gym, and I thought I might share some of early experiences with you. The membership was actually a gift from my wife. Though still in great shape from when I was on the Varsity Chess Club in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called and set up a session with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day1
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started this morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the various exercise machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just being near her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very supportive as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in all the time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!

Day 3
The only way I can clean my teeth is to lay the toothbrush on the counter and move my mouth back and forth over it. Driving was okay, as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I tried the stair monster. Why would anyone create a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of the elevator? Tanya reassured me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” is in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s locker room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment, she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated another human being in the entire history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in excruciating pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you, Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want even more dents in the floor, don’t hand me any more barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame! The treadmill hurled me backwards into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7
Well, that’s the week. Thank God it’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for dental surgery.

[mckinzie]

C'mon Bumper you can do it.
"If you don't mind, it don't matter"

[Softy57]

C'mon Bump. you will feel better,have a lot more energy,etc. I promise. I held out for years when Stogey kept saying "a little exercise would do me good."After 9 months of working out,30 lbs. less & feel like a puppy.lol. Try it,you'll like it. I'll be rootin' for ya!!
Let the sun shine.

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by Softy57

C'mon Bump. you will feel better,have a lot more energy,etc. I promise. I held out for years when Stogey kept saying "a little exercise would do me good."After 9 months of working out,30 lbs. less & feel like a puppy.lol. Try it,you'll like it. I'll be rootin' for ya!!
Let the sun shine.

Hey, Softy, there ain't no quit in me. I'm hangin' in. Just had that story in my files, and thought it might be fun. No, I'm giving this whole gym thing an honest try. Three days a week on weights/machines (1 or 2 with the trainer, the other on my own), then 3 days a week on cardio - bike or treadmill - still can't get the hang of that elliptical rig. "And on the seventh day, he rested" and groaned, mostly. I'll never look like Arnold, but maybe it'll keep me vertical a little longer.

[Softy57]

Yeah,I have every confidence in ya! I've been doing circuit training every other day since last Dec. Do warm up of 1 mile on eliptical or treadmill. On off days do 1-2 miles on treadmill,row machine-5 min is all I can do,maybe mile on eliptical too. Please don't be discouraged. When I 1st got on eliptical in Mar. or so I could only do quarter mile,took5-6min. Now do mile in 14-15min,easy. Started walking,1 mile took 30+ min. had to stop & rest & breathe.Now do 1st mile in 16.30 min or less.I smoked cig's for 44 yrs. Quit in 2002/2003 New Yr.Like fine wine I'm aging better & better!lol.
Know your going to do very well.
Let the sun shine.

[mckinzie]

Originally Posted by Bumper

Hey, Softy, there ain't no quit in me. I'm hangin' in. Just had that story in my files, and thought it might be fun. No, I'm giving this whole gym thing an honest try. Three days a week on weights/machines (1 or 2 with the trainer, the other on my own), then 3 days a week on cardio - bike or treadmill - still can't get the hang of that elliptical rig. "And on the seventh day, he rested" and groaned, mostly. I'll never look like Arnold, but maybe it'll keep me vertical a little longer.

I saw on Dateline that Gastric bypass was dangerous

[Mikey]

After about six weeks of working out your pain will go away. Your energy level will rise and you will feel like a twenty year old again. Just dont stop Bumper give it a chance but you have to do it a minimum of three days a week. Once you notice your body changing and your muscles start buldging It makes it alot easier to go to the gym. Just dont stop.

[mckinzie]

Were all counting on you Bumper since you shared your story bud.
I hadn't had one drink since I took off from Playa May 20th.

But that's about to change

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by tstar

Your energy level will rise and you will feel like a twenty year old again.

Hell, I feel like a 20 year old now, but so far all of them I've approached have just laughed and walked away

Originally Posted by tstar

Just dont stop Bumper give it a chance but you have to do it a minimum of three days a week.

Are we talking the 20 year old again? Get a grip, Michael, you're obviously thinking of some other Bumper.
At 20 - Tri-weekly
At 40 - Try weekly
At my age - Try weakly

[Softy57]

As usual you are just too too funny Bump. A friend at work was talking about a "study" saying that if you have sex 4 times a week,you can add 6 years to your life. We all agreed that except for 1 thirty year old,the rest of us are gonna die sooner,not later! I know you'll get to like the gym.

Let the sun shine.

[mckinzie]

Bumper
give us an update on how your workout is coming along.

[DavidB]

Reminds me of my son. When he was going into the 9th grade he said he was going to go out for football. A week after practice started I asked him why he wasn't playing football. He said " I was going to but they wanted me to practice everyday" Keep at it Bumper. The hardest part is geting to the gym. Once your there you might as well do somthing. And anything is better then nothing. See you in March.

[TAPPY]

The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program.
Not Wanting to harm this body, I've devised the following:

Monday

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Tuesday

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesday

Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursday

Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Friday

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday

Pick up the pieces

Sunday

Whew! What a workout

[mckinzie]

Originally Posted by TAPPY

The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program.
Not Wanting to harm this body, I've devised the following:

Monday

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Tuesday

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesday

Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursday

Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Friday

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday

Pick up the pieces

Sunday

Whew! What a workout

That's not going to cut it Tappy.

MOVE IT !!!! MOVE IT!!!! MOVE IT!!!!

[TAPPY]

I do !!! 6 times a week !!!!!
BFL program !!! Faithfully !!!!!
You have to if you live down here, too much good food and everything is cooked with butter !

Except Sol is not on the BFL approved list for beverages !!!!