Truisms

[RuthL]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: If you can read this, thank a teacher...and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

[KathyMc]

Within yourself lies the cause of whatever enters your life." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

[Heather]

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
--Dylan Thomas (who died, of course, of acute alcoholism)

[STOGEY]

On vacation, I took my wife to a place that she's never been to. The kitchen.

[TAPPY]

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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Life is sexually transmitted.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said: "Quit while you're ahead?"
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Always get the last word in: Apologize.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

[Sue]

Originally Posted by STOGEY

On vacation, I took my wife to a place that she's never been to. The kitchen.

That sounds like me!!!

[sctx]

Originally Posted by RuthL

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

I always liked the transitive property of equality

[Softy57]

I have laughed my a_s off! Tappy, I'm picturing myself as a wizened old old old lady,lying in the Hosp. dying of nothing! Both my grandmothers lived well into their ninties.They didn't do the things I've done [ & do] to abuse my body tho. Time may be a great healer,but it's a lousy beautician.
Let the sun shine.